Bailey's Diary

01/08/07:

Ok fine, since no one else seems to want to write anything, I'll write the first entry of the year. Now all I need to do is find something of interest to write about. No pressure with being the first of 2007 or anything.

How about this? Has anyone else found themselves acting differently with people that knew you before transition and people you meet during or after? For me, I find myself slipping back into old habits around people that knew me before transition and being more open with those I've met during. That's especially true around my family. I don't know whether I'm afraid of hurting their feelings or just afraid of not being good enough for them to take me seriously.

When I get around new people who have no connection to friends or family, I only want them to see me as the girl I’m trying to be. I drop almost all of my former masculine pretense and just be me. I’ll use a different voice and allow my mannerisms to be less rigidly controlled. I need to figure out how to do that all the time and I might make it through this transition thing someday. I am open to suggestions if anyone has any.

11/18/06: My Lazy Arse

Yes, I admit that I'm a lazy ass. I've sat down in front of this screen to write some entries about a half dozen times but just decided it was too much work. Instead I went and played Text twist for an hour...each time. Yep, that's six hours of my life I won't ever get back. You would think I could find something better to do with my time. There is plenty of work that needs done around here and I do have a little girl I could play with...well when she wants me to to that is. Computers are bad bad evil little life sucking machines. Don't even get me started on my iTunes habit. All I'm saying is 5+ GB.

So what's going on in my life? Hmm, I'm gonna do something a little out of character and actually talk about me instead of saying I'm boring and leaving it at that. The bad news first. Better to get it out of the way and move on to happier things.

Shortly after my last bloggy thing I was in a car accident. I'm ok, so all you hoping to be rid of me, better luck next time. It wasn't terrible. I was just rear ended when I had to make a sudden stop to avoid a construction barrier that got blown in front of me. You gotta watch out for those critters. They'll just jump out right in front of you when you least expect it. I managed to get stopped in time with a few feet to spare. The problem was with the truck that was behind me. He needed my trunk to stop. Crunch. Ouch. Darn it! A moment of silence now for my dear departed Maxima.

Now for the good news. K was not in the car with me at the time (whew!). I'm very thankful for that. Three weeks of chiropractor visits and I'm all better...at least I'm back to where I was before the accident. I have a new car now. While it's not brand new, it is pretty darn close. It's a 2006 Dodge Stratus. Admittedly it's not as good as the Maxima was but holy crap have you seen the prices on those things now!! Not to mention that my credit is total crap and there was no way I'd be able to afford a new Maxima. I'm not gonna complain as the Stratus is all but new meaning that I dont' have to worry about it and I dont' have to fix anything on it. All I need to do is drive it. For as much as I drive, it should last a good long time as long as I can remember to change the oil and stuff.

I even have more good news. Good for me, but I don't know how anyone else will feel about it. I finally have my very own digital SLR!! Yay, moving up on the camera totem pole. Unfortunately, I haven't had a lot of time or opportunity to use it as of yet. These short days and getting off work after sunset doesn't help. Oh yeah, me being lazy doesn't help either. One of these days I'll get up off my butt on the weekend. No promises. I'm gonna go ahead and post a pic I took earlier this week. I was just playing with whatever light I could find and ended up with a neat shot. I did have to crop the heck out of it so the quality is a bit misleading. Oh boy, posting another pic...maybe...

I'm getting closer to finishing off the busy season at work. This fall has been crazy busy and I've been working my little butt off. I think it finally caught up with me today. I woke up with a bit of a headache and slightly queasy stomach but went to work anyway. I wasn't much use as I just flopped down on the couch in our tiny office area and fell asleep. They woke me up long enough to fix a printing issue then I fell back asleep. C woke me up and told me to go home about eleven oclock. Guess what I did when I got home? Would you believe I went back to sleep? This time in my own bed and oh my goodness is it wayyy more comfortable than the couch at work. I didnt move again until three.

D called and offered to bring me something to eat since she was on her way home. We spent the afternoon on the couch catching up on some of our TV shows. I still wasn't feeling great but I was better. We took a break and went to sort through K's clothes. She's grown so much in the last few months that we've had to buy her new clothes. However, we haven't gotten rid of the stuff that's too small. It took about an hour to go through it all. By the time we finished I started feeling somewhat like my normal self.

Overall, today wasn't an awful day. Sure I'd rather have not felt bad but I did get a day off and spent some time with D for the first time in a while. I still have no idea where our relationship is or where it's going. I made the comment to her I that I have no idea what it was and she agreed. Then she made the comment that at the end of the day she'd just rather be with me. It was a non comittal kind of tone that really confused me more. When I asked what would happen if she met someone she liked and she gave an even more ambiguous answer of I don't know. That so did not help. The only thing I can do at this point is to keep a little respectful distance and see how things work out.

Honestly, I am starting to get a little tired of being alone. Granted usually I enjoy the peace and quiet but even I have my limits. I don't feel like I can even think about another relationship until this one is officially finished. I just don't feel it's fair to anyone who may be interested in me. Perhaps I'm getting a little too ahead of myself. One has to get out of the house to meet new people. Being that I'm a bit of a recluse and people generally make me nervous I probably shouldn't be worrying about it at all. Oh my goodness listen to me ramble on and on. I'm gonna shut up now.

Currently Listening Continuum by John Mayer Song: Gravity

10/08/06: Argh...group therapy...

Ugh, group "therapy"
Ugh, so I went to my monthly group therapy session Saturday. I really shouldn't say therapy since it annoys me more than anything. I don't know if it's just me, but oh my goodness are there a bunch of babies there. So afraid of someone seeing them. Come on people, get over it already. So many excuses on why they can't do this or can't do that because they're trans. WTF? Whats the point of going through all the trouble of transitioning if you aren't going to live your life? I just don't get it.

Inevitably the hormone discussion starts up and everyone starts comparing dosages. Personally, I really don't see how one persons relates to anyone else. I'm totally dumbfounded when the 5 feet tall 50 year old compares her dosages to the 6 feet tall 24 year old. Umm, how exactly will that relate? Perhaps I'm just bitter. As far as I can tell, the results of my hormone use have added up to softer skin and far less migraines. That's it. No noticing more pretty colors, being able to multitask any better, better language, or whatever the latest estrogen induced superpower of the month is. For the record, I don't participate in that discussion.

I'm sure everyone there thinks I'm more aloof than the average house cat. I'm usually curled up in a ball of one of the comfy chairs barely paying attention to what's going on. Fortunately, I don't have to pay much attention since I've heard the same story retold a hundred times. Some of the characters names have been changed to protect the innocent but the story remains the same. I knew I was trans when I was little and wanted to play with dolls instead of tonka trucks...yada yada yada.

I would like to take this opportunity and tell all those transfolks out there that you don't need to prove you're trans. Every action in your life doesn't have to be directly related to the gender you feel you are. If your a transwoman, it's perfectly fine for you to enjoy playing baseball. I promise you wont' be looked down apon for it. Transmen, having matching towels will not dimish your masculinity. It's all part of who you are. No matter how much you may want to run from and hide it. Your life has made you what you are. Be honest you'll be more respected for it. Too many of us allow our gender to take over our lives. Spending every waking minute analyzing our actions to make sure they are the "correct". Gender is just a part of who we are it's not all we are.

OK, OK, I'll get off my soapbox now. I do feel a bit better though...

Currently Listening The Open Door by Evanescence

09/11/06: A little of this and a little of that.

So this was an interesting weekend for me. Well not so much for me as things around me. I had my second laser treatment and my tech was very pleased with the results from the first session. I’m hoping that means that I’ll be tossing my razor away soon. She also mentioned that I was handling the treatment very well. Apparently guys don’t handle the sting of the laser all that well. I was going to say something about not really being a guy but there was this laser thing zapping around my face that kept my talking to a minimum. Oh well, it doesn’t really make any difference.

I jumped ahead a little bit there. I should have started with Friday night. It was a little bit of a tough night for me. D had a date. Even though she’s been free to do it for a while now, it was the first time. I’m not mad or upset at her for it. I do want her to go out and find someone, but it still stung a bit. I am happy that she had a good time. Too bad the guy is having problems with us still technically being married. I know we’ll eventually have to do something about that but I’m certainly not looking forward to it.

On a much happier less heartbreaking note, I finally have baby dragons. Yay! Looks like the third (or was it fourth) time was a charm. They’re so cute and tiny. So far I have four that are totally hatched. Another seven are in the process. It’s good to know that my big dragons are happy and healthy enough to breed. I must be doing something right. I even put a pic of the first one in my gallery, if you’d like to take a look. I’m sure more will follow. Oh, I even put a new one of me up. Sorry about the lack of a smile...darn it. One of these days I’ll learn how to do that.

09/02/06:

Sometimes things change and you have no idea when they happen. I was reminded of that last night. D and I decided to go have dinner and see a movie together. It's something we used to do all the time before K was born and we got so busy with work, school, and whatever else.

We decide to go to Applebees. She wanted a mudslide and I wanted their chicken strips. I'm happy to report that they were both really good. But that's not what I wanted to talk about. Dinner was just like any of the hundreds we've had together. It was after we were done that something happened.

Our waiter came to clear away empty dishes (strangely he took my basket before I was completely done with my fries. Must have known I had already eaten too much) and asked if we wanted dessert. We both declined then he asked if we'd like separate checks. Separate checks? Thats a first. Guess it doesn't look like we should be married anymore.

When did that happen? And why didn't I see that line when we crossed it? I suppose I should take that as a sign that I'm at least looking different now. I'm not upset about it as much as surprised. That was not something I was expecting.

Lately I've been feeling like I am slowly moving out of that transitional area and getting closer to who I will eventually end up being. This is may just be an indicator that it may not be all in my head. At least that's how I'm going to view it.

08/03/06: More photos

Ok, I think I am really starting to lose it. I'm putting up new pics for the second time in about a month. That's early by about a year but who's counting anyway. Please, take a look and leave a comment or two. I like the attention

Currently Watching V for Vendetta (Full Screen Edition) starring

07/29/06: Rants

So it's about time for some rants. I'm going to try to keep it on two subjects but no promises. You know how my foul little mind works. It's always bouncing around from subject to subject. I never really know where I'm gonna end up till I get there.

For starters, I've been watching a lot of the gay marriage verdicts that have been coming down here recently. I'm not normally one for the whole political/legal goings on. This subject is different. Perhaps this is because its so blatantly discriminatory. Washington state courts just decided that it is legal to ban same sex marriage because it is a choice and people do have to be gay or lesbian. Forgive me if I'm way off base here, but isn't most medical research showing that is is not a choice?

The next argument for banning it is that gay couples can not procreate. Since when did procreation become a requirement in marriage? By that logic, sterile men and women should not be allowed to marry. As well as those that choose not to have children, the elderly, and anyone who has an accident rendering them unable to have children.

How about those that say it will ruin the sanctity of marriage? Do these folks live under a rock? What about Brittney Spears' 55-hour marriage? How many times has Liz Taylor been married? How about those drive through wedding chapels? No one's raising a fuss about those.

What it boils down to is that these laws are passed merely to punish people for being gay. There is not a single logical reason to keep them from doing it. In short, it’s just plain old discrimination. What's worse is that there are people wanting to write that discrimination into our Constitution. Forget about the land of the free. This is the land of the "You have to do it our way".

Oil Companies

Here’s one everyone can relate to. I saw a report yesterday about Chevron making $4 billion in profit the second quarter this year. That’s $4,000,000,000 in profit in a quarter. It’s only the biggest profit in its 126-year history and only an increase of 32% from the same time last year. It would have been higher, but they had 1.2 billion in damages thanks to the hurricanes last year. They’re a little disappointed with that though. The projections were higher.

I would only be a little upset if they were the only company posting such numbers. But I’d say that they were just managing their business well. But when its numbers are the smallest of the big oil companies, I get frustrated. I get frustrated more by the fact that we have no options. You have to buy gasoline and you have to pay whatever they want you to pay. I’ve already been through my trickle down rant about everything getting more expensive because of it, so I won’t revisit that.

What does our President say about it? He encourages them to reinvest in domestic energy production. Did you really expect him to do anything different? So here I am writing this little rant after spending $40 to fill the sixteen gallon gas tank of my car and noticing that my electric rate has increased again. No, wonder I have no money.

Currently Watching The Boondock Saints starring Willem Dafoe, Sean Patrick Flanery, Norman Reedus

07/23/06: Laser hair removal: The aftermath

That title sounds ominous doesn't it? Don't worry, it's really not. Saturday morning I had my first session of laser hair removal and it wasn't all that bad. Don't get me wrong. It does sting a good bit each time they zap you but it fades really quickly. Speaking of quickly, it took all of about a half hour to treat the entire area. Woo hoo! It was taking me hours to treat very small areas with my little home electro thing. All that was needed after the actual treatment was over was a few minutes with an ice pack to cool things off and some after laser lotion to keep my skin from drying out.

Here I am more than a day later and I'm no worse for wear. No redness or pain at all. The pain wasn't bad during the treatment either. I was more creeped out by the little popping sounds the follicles made and the faint scent of burning hair. I can definitely handle that to get rid of this beard stuff. A couple weeks and everything that was treated should have fallen out by itself. It'll be interesting to see how that all works.

07/17/06: Laser treatments

I finally went and had a laser hair removal consultation today. It's one of those things I've been a little hesitant to look into since I've heard conflicting reports on how permanent it is. After the consultation and getting a huge price break, I'm going to give it a try. It has a two year guarantee, so what am I going to lose? What I have to gain is finally getting rid of all this yucky facial hair.

I know I've written about the home electrolysis thing and it was working but my goodness does it take a lot of time. I'd probably still do it if money was a big issue. D getting a second job and taking some of the pressure off of me along with the very reasonable price of treatments and guarantee has made the laser route very attractive. All I have to do now is call tomorrow and make my first appointment. Finally, I'm going to get the bigger physical changes started. Now all I have to do is figure out how to get ffs and srs. Hmm... better take this one step at a time or I'm likely to get a little frustrated. Anyway, I'll let you know how it goes.Wish me luck.

07/11/06: Man or Ma'am

How do you drive a TS insane? Well if you're working at a drive thru window, merely say thank you, man...or was it ma'am. Then the poor ts that just drove through will ponder that phrase the whole way home, completely ignoring the hot fresh french fries that they had been craving so. Yes, I know that the likelihood that it was man was far higher than ma'am, but that doesn't stop me from hoping.

Speaking of ma'am. I can recall of only a few times where I got ma'amed for sure. Strangely enough they all happened when I cut my hair last year. Weird. And even weirder, it was at times when I wasn't even trying to look all that femme. Perhaps there is something to the comment about not trying too hard. That's totally messing with my little head. I truly feel like I'm not trying hard enough, but the times that I'm not trying are arguably more successful. Is this one of those less is more things? Hmmm, interesting thoughts. Perhaps I should give it a try and just relax and quit trying to be something. Instead just get comfortable in my own skin, as they say. Yeah, yeah, I know that's what I've been trying to do. I think I've been trying to force it, though.

Now the question is, what comes next? I'm thinking a lot of experimentation. Trying different things and seeing what comes of it. It's about time to get over my fear of new things, anyway. Ok, ok, enough of this self analyization. It's getting tedious already. Less thought, more action. Guess I better get to work.