Stacy's Diary

04/08/06: it's been a while

hi everybody,
it's me, stacy. been awhile. hasn't it? well i'm still alive. my time hasn't come yet. hummm. i haven't laid to rest the male version of me yet though. yes, i'm still basically a guy. let's face it. but i still feel a tug towards the opposite side of the gender spectrum. simply put, I wish I was a woman. even though i'm a pretty happy camper now. life's been good to me i think. except when you factor in the whole gender dysphoria thing. it's like bammmm! like running into a glass door. what am I? is that too much to ask? i don't care anymore. we have to figure out that ourselves. society won't control me anymore. it's no more a factor than the weather now. how about partly cloudy skies with a 60% chance I'll be Miss freaking america. that would be a scandal, ehh.

As far as tg issues go- I've been administering my own hormones to myself. Spir is like a pause button for your life when you take it at a low dosage. I've cut estrogen out because with it i'd look like a freaking little girl with a full out beard. not ready yet, okay. gosh. just the spiro alone has a big effect, I've even had to cut the dosage down for that since i've started. it's major mannnnn. you may think you're ready for it but once the changes are there and you can't hide them you'll feel totally different. it's like being a little kid on a diving board. do you take the plunge ro wimp out? god, i want to go but you know there's no coming back.

i'll write some more again later,
stacy
href="mailto:buoyblues@yahoo.com" >buoyblues@yahoo.com

10/04/05: here i am

Well, It's been about a month since I made the move up North and I love it up here. The new job is going great and the gang I live and work with are really cool and open minded. Though they know nothing about my transition I feel totally comfortable gradually exposing it to them. I live in a big house with 13 other people that I also work with doing environmental and community related projects.

I'm still on spiro and very small levels of estro. I believe low doses of estrogen are better. I think I've noticed a thinning of chest hair, plus the roots don't seem as deep. Still letting the hair on my head grow out. Maybe 8 more months and I should be happy with it. I wish I hadn't gott that damn last haircut where I took like 3 inches off.

Ohh, this halloween I'm dressing as a chick. I want to make guys drop their jaws right before I seduce their girlfriends into... JUst kidding! Maybe I'll post a pic of the costume though for yall. I might be a skater girl. Shoot, already got half the costume.

Alright , I'm going to write again soon so till then, do it big.

Stacy

08/09/05:

Nothing new going on, yet. Just getting ready for the big move. I’m really looking forward to a good change of scenary.

Transition wise, I’m kind of at a stand still. It sucks but I have to slow down with all the other changes in my life going on. It’s kind of my nature to take things one step at a time, like a big baby. Like I said before I don’t know how far I really want to go because I am living a pretty happy life. But like the rest of you I do have that feeling that my body doesn’t match my mind. Anyways, that will give my hair some time to grow out. That will go far in helping my passability/confusability Haven’t had long hair since highschool. Wow, that was a long time ago! Even then though it wasn’t that long so I’m very interested it what it will look like. That was back in the Grunge Era, early to mid 90’s. I’m definitely not a wig person except maybe on Halloween. Hey, once you’re going full time you can go as a man on Halloween! That would probably feel a little weird and bring back some bad memories.

The end of summer is coming. Probably my fav time of the year. A time of changes and new opportunities.

Hasta luego (that means see you later),

Stacy

07/19/05: northern migration and meandering thooughts

this september i'll be moving back up to massachusetts from virginia where i've been going to school. i can't wait! the job i have lined up will be in the environmental field, helping conserve and clean it up. housing is provided with the job so i don't really have to worry about making any arrangements.

i've been reading everybody's diaries and i've noticed at one point or another almost everybody sounds like they've gone through a depression of varying intensities. for me the main culprit would have to be the isolation i feel. like there's nobody i can share this stuff to face to face. that's kind of why i'm looking forward to getting out of this area.

i wonder what it will be like in 50 years or so for transgender folks. will technology make life easier by more accurately and effortlessly transforming our bodies to match our minds. will genetic engineering play any part? i'm trying to be optimistic but right now i'm not so happy with the way our whole materialistic society is going. plus those wacky religious zealots are doing their best to slow progress down.

07/11/05: I finally understand Ziggy Stardust

I just took the COGIATI Test, or Combined Gender Identity And Transsexuality Inventory. You,ve probably seen it splattered across the various transgender websites. I scored a 95, which is well within the androgyne class. Scores can range from -650 to 650. That basically puts me somewhere between being a definite male and a classic transsexual. I'd have to agree with it since I definitely have some male and female personality traits. Or actually a blend of them. Like when you mix the colors red and blue together. As a kid I always fascinated how you could combine two completely different things and get something unique. Well, you can only take the test so seriously but I'm happy with the results. Being androgynous gives me extra elbow room in how I can express myself. After taking the test it explained to following:

COGIATI classification THREE, ANDROGYNE
What this means is that the Combined Gender Identity And Transsexuality Inventory has classified your internal gender identity to be essentially androgynous, both male and female at the same time, or possibly neither.
In some cultures in history, you would be considered to be a third sex, independent of the polarities of masculine or feminine. Your gender issues are intrinsic to your construction, and you will most likely find your happiness playing with expressing both genders as you feel like it.

SUGGESTIONS FOR ACTION:
Your situation is a little tricky in our current society, but not tremendously so, depending on your geographic location.
The suggestions for your circumstance are not overly complicated.
1. If you have any comfortability about your gender expression, some slight degree of counseling might well prove helpful. The primary goal would be to make it possible for you to enjoy your gender expressions free from any shame or embarrassment, and to resolve any remaining questions you might have.
2. As an androgynous being, both genders, and both sexes are natural to your expression. Permanent polarization in either direction might bring significant unhappiness. It is not recommended that you go through a complete transsexual transformation. You might find a partial transformation of value, if you find yourself more attracted overall to the feminine. You are more likely a transgenderist, than a transsexual. It is recommended that you recognize that your gender issues are real, but that extreme action regarding them should be viewed with great caution.
3. If you have not already, consider joining any of the thousands of groups devoted to gender play of various varieties. There is literally a world of friends to discover who share your interests. There are also publications, vacations, and activities that would expand your gender play.

That pretty much sums up how I basically feel now that I've had time to really think about it. I'm probably not going to take any permanent steps such as FFS or electrolysis. But as I physically move closer and closer to the gender neutral border line, who knows, my feelings may change. This is a little safer too I guess.

Oh yea, I forgot this is a diary. Today I wore all black to work. Shorts and tee shirt. If it wasn't such a consevative environment I might have worn some black eye liner. Sounds like I'm a little goth, doesn't it? I'll be working at this job until mid Ausust. Maybe I'll start my own little social experiment by observing the reactions of my coworkers at the various "out of character" outfits I wear to work. Gotta do something to make the time spent there more interesting. I'll keep ya posted.

Hasta lluego, chicas

Stacy

07/05/05: Another typical day in la la land

Well, here it goes. This is my maiden entry in my diary. I'm a little tipsy right now. I find that its easier for me to write after a couple of drinks. I was drinking a beer called Tequiza. Its kind of like a cheap Corona that supposedly has a tequila favor to it. Look for it at your local gas station. I recomend it to anyone with a discriminating appetite and a low budget.

Here's a story that occurred earlier today. Right now I'm in a summer internship thing. this is my 3rd year in a row in it so its getting excessively boring. Its like conscious paralysis or a sensory deprivation chamber or something. We were supposed to go to a lectue today but we just went in to the building it was at, sined the sign in sheet, and left. I don't care about laser synthesis of plastic materials for suborbital flight or whatever it was. Actually I snook in a tour last week and saw the whole thing first hand. None of the lectures have to do with what I am working on. By "we" I mean me and 3 other coworkers that feel the same as I. They're cool guys. Unaware of my transition. It was 11 am. We first went to the mall. I bought a shirt at pacific sunwear. Minutes after that I swear I made eye contact with someone who might have been in transition. I don't know what he/she orginally wsa but I thought he/she was pretty cute. Maybe if my friends weren't there I would have said something. At least a "hi."

My transition is moving at about the speed of a glacier. No, I'm sorry, about the speed of the freaking continental plates!But its still moving along nonetheless. Once my hair is grown out it will make a hell of a difference. That pic of me that I'm using in the forum had some digitally added in if you cant tell. Maybe by the end of the year. Im on a really low estrogen dosage now. I need to take a pause for a while and reevaluate everything. Especially since i'll be going thruough a lot of other changes soon. Moving away, and new job....

Ahhh, that wasn't so bad. Tomorrow morning i probably won't remember having written this. Hope I didn't say anything I shouldn't have..

I love you man,
Stacy