Weblog
10/17/05: So where am I now?
Hello Everyone,
So I just thought I would give people a brief update on me. I turned 20, and my life changed dramatically. I am much more at peace with myself now and becoming moreso every day. I have done some pretty transformative things in the past six months or so. I pierced myself, had several of my first sexual experiences with both men and women, played with my gender a lot, bought my own makeup, tried all kinds of hair removal, finally settled with my first laser session (my prior entry is actually from last night, 10/15/2005... I was having technical difficulties in my own ineptitude), and began seriously considering hormones. I am no longer on anti-depressants as they stifled my sex life (insensitivity takes all the fun out of living anyway.) I have been happy and healthy for three months now, genderphucking whenever I have enough clean clothes. I am starting to speak out for the transcommunity on campus. My presence is often visible and unavoidable because I confound people. They see a hairy chest with a low cut shirt, velvety skirt, and boots not knowing what to make of me, as I dazzle them with chartreuse eye shadow and a satiny red lipstick. Spending the summer in New York City certainly did a world of good for me, as I was able to connect with lots of grrls and see how the gay male community reacts to my gender transgression. It was a truly rapturous experience, filled with its own drama of objectification and sexism and casual sexual exploits. But I'm letting the world happen to me now instead of trying to control it. I live in spontaneity and asymmetry. My hair is genderfucked, spiked and short on the left side, long and flowing on the right, covering almost half my face. The other half is accented with piercings across my eyebrow, nostril, lip, tragus, and rook. Those last two are ear piercings for those who are not fanatics like myself. I wouldn't call it androgyny except on some days. I think it's more gender-free at the moment (to quote a friend from back home.) He also said, "It's great to finally see you have true self-expression. You can be whatever you want." Indeed, we all can. This is where I'm at right now. My process of change is very public and very scrutinized. I revel in knowing that I'm confusing people for now. I wish you all well on your continued journeys like mine, no matter how public or deftly private they may be. We shall find peace in the right now. Fare thee well!
seph
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06/17/05: Hair-brained body
Hey Folks,
So I'm adding my first entry into this diary. I've been a member of the website for a while but haven't said much since my first entry here. I think that will be changing now. I have been spending a great deal of time exploring my gender identity. I'm still not very sure where I stand in the whole matter. As of right now I stand closest to a femme interbodied pansexual. Some would just say genderqueer but I feel almost certainly transgendered. I have a great deal of frustration around using the word since I feel that I may not choose to opt for medical procedures to radically alter my body. Actually, I lied. That's a fallacy. I have already begun hair removal. In fact I am a week removed from my first laser hair removal session. I have started out with my face, neck, chest, and stomach. I can barely afford this much, being separated from my parents and also trying to provide for tuition, but waxing and shaving are just too arduous. My skin hates nair. And I'm tired of breakouts and worse, ingrown hairs, nicks and cuts, and five o'clock shadows. I am especially finding it difficult to decide on whether to fully remove my hair or just drastically thin it in a few laser sessions. I have several weeks to decide before my next laser session, but I will undoubtedly be thinking about it for quite some time. Perhaps it makes sense that nothing is truly permanent, especially in the realm of gender. This is something I'm to cope with more and more as hormones become more of a possibility. I have been practicing several genders of man, woman, genderqueer, etc. I know sometimes at least when I've gone "too femme" or "too butch" or simply "too out there" for myself, but this doesn't make it easier in deciding for myself whether I feel transexual. At this point I'm still comfortable playing around. But quite honestly when I look in the mirror and see smooth skin it looks sexy, it looks right, it feels like me. There's of course so much more to gender but it's just a small piece that is starting to feel good, and when I let my facial hair grow out the first few days after the laser (thinking, do I really want to give this up?) I realized just how much I really hated it. Shaving felt so good right then. All I know is I'm still seen as a boy or a boy dressing like a girl or a boy dressing like something really funky. At least without the chest hair, the five o'clock shadow I may find some peace in my own body, under my own skin. So this is kind of the intro to where I am right now. I'm a little harried but nevertheless comfortable with trying out makeup and new mannerisms. Clothes are still a bit sparse but I have a small collection going. The past few days I've felt extremely female in character, dancing and flirting rather femininely and seductively. My nails are long and painted in rainbow red through blue on one hand and purple on the other. This makes me feel powerful, strong, and beautiful. It is not merely woman, but more. I look forward to my hair falling out and finally dancing in the mirror without the follicles staring back. No I'm certainly transgendered. My reluctance comes from not knowing yet what that means to me, but I am certainly trans. That is me. Beautiful in my own right on this journey of a thousand steps. I look forward to all your comments. Fare thee well lovelies!
seph
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