Sarah's Diary

01/15/06: New year, new me!

Wow I can not believe it is already the new year! The surprising thing is I am coming up to my eight month mark on hrt. I do not feel any different, but the physical changes are happening slowly, I don't seem to notice, but my mother does and so do friends. I quess I see myself everyday that changes don't become visual for me until much later. Though that being said the lack of hair where there used to be hair is what I notice the most and since I have returned to the gym to pump iron, i have noticed my strength is considerably affected. Though I am not sure if a large part of that is related to the fact that I have not set foot in a gym for almost a year! Also when I was stilll living as a male I had lots of muscle, I was 210, but like 15 percent body fat, I was big. Now that I have been on the antiandrogens and other such wonderful drugs that are changing my body, I am not longer able to put on the muscle mass as I did before, this is why I waited so long to go to the gym. I wanted to give the meds time to sink in. Now I know I won't get bulky again, strong and lean but not bulky and manly!. I  quite enjoy going to the gym now, my body is responding to the gym and I quite like the results! I am sad in a way I can no longer curl 60 pounds each arm, but what girl needs that?
     To round off my body changes I also go to regular yoga classes held at my university, and I will be playing soccer at school this semester, well intermurals, but it should be fun and I get to sweat abit. It is unfortunate I meet allot of females and many of them don't take advantage of the gym. I hope this changes in time, to see your body change is wonderful and to all those transgirls/women, exercising will increase the look of a female body. Think about it, you are getting rid of fat in those male areas, but some will remain in those female areas, your muscles will tighten, but not bulk up, plus hint hint, chest exercises will increase the look of your breasts. A friend asked the other day why my breats are so large and not hers, first I said our age; age is a definate thing to consider the closer to puberty you are the more dramatic results from hrt, and secondly I told her my secret is the chest press. So girls get your asses moving, even if it is a fun game of soccer or a dance class, take advantage of your body's potential. 
   Oh I am still climbing and will soon begin to train for my first trail run! School is fantastic, I have a great group of friends, we laugh allot and the women's centre has been a wealth of support and information! I am mostly over changing all my main id's and such, but there are the odd times that the past comes back to haunt me, but as time goes on these will fade away. No gf yet, but I have been having fun non-the-less. I am looking forward to my five weeks in Europe in April, I get to spend my birthday there, my first and 25 birthday.
 umm that is it, I must get back to my real work, writing and reading, I am currently working on a essay and article, ths is aside to my school work...

Take care

sarah

08/31/05: My dyke self!

Well where to begin. I guess saturday night. I had so much fun going out with friends on saturday I even remembered it the next morning, mind ya with a slight ringing in my ears from the music. We hit the Lesbian seen with force we were a mix of people, male, female and everything in between. But that was not the great part, being asked to dance was, my that has never happened to me, although maybe my ex girlfriend my fight me on that one. But I was asked by a gg to dance, I loved it and by the way she was dancing with me I would she did too. I am not sure if she new my status and really I don't care, I don't think about it. I was just having fun. I was letting my butch dyke persona fly and boy did I have a ball. My first lesbian dance, I am just warming up.  I am back on earth now almost a week past but life gets more interesting as the days past. I no longer get sir at stores and what not, now it is a stare of what is she' he and you know what I can care less.  But then again that happened many a time before even when I wasn't trying! Stares in the men's room weren't uncommon. I have been mistaken for ftm more times then mtf, woops. 
   "So how long have you been on t," is common, or "which way are you going" was perciesly what a doctor asked me the other day.  I have only been on e for two months going on three. I still have a long time to go, but that is the fun, I love watching my body and peoples reactions change. My own friend did not recognize me at the club, mindya we are only distant friends, but she really had to look into my eye's to see who was tapping her on the shoulder, she soon figured it out and gave me a big hug! And to clarify I don't dress any different than before transition.
   The other neat thing is I start classes again, it has been a long eight months away from my studies. Four of them I was in central america working on my spanish and tan, the other four working my ass off to pay for school. But the special thing this semester is I will be female, my name is changed, well at least through the university and they said they would give me a new student card to reflect that, how nice. I have not worked out the whole locker room thing yet, as I am planning on playing soccer on the rec league as I do most semesters.
  the other neat thing is I have been asked to sit on a panel of speakers to talk about trans stuff, my little dyke self, boy they are in for a surprise. It should be interesting, I am nervous, but I love talking and informing people, hense my goal of becoming a professor, so this panel should be valuable for me.
   Anyways besides the upove life goes on, I am done work for the year on friday, well I will be working weekends as my boss bugged me and needs me despartely. I start electrolysis on my face friday, which according to my electro lady says it won't take to long to get rid of what I have, as I am very lucky in that area, I never had lots of hair there and I think hormones have slowed it considerably. I can shave even now once every two days, by the second day at night it is starting to grow back.. Put it this way I didn't start shaving until I was 18 or so...

well that is it,, another day gone, time for bed

sarah

08/22/05: Carpe Diem!

     I guess the most recent is the trip back from reletives through the US of A, I took allong about way home to the west coast. I must say everytime I venture to the land down under, and no I am not refering to Australia, I feel like I am in a foriegn land, the countries may touch but the cultures are distinclty are different. I Found one thing unique and that was how many flags were waving all around the place. Here the only places you see a flag is government offices, schools, and other public spaces, and we certainly don't have any massive king size flags anywhere. One I saw could of powered a sailboat, would that be against the law? Anyways I had a lovely drive through north dakota, montana, idaho and washington state, I must say my favorite was montana, something about those log cabins with green roofs excited me, the must all be made from the same plan.  I am happy to be back in canuck land, we are patriotic up here, but we are allot more reserved to say the least, and we don't have any nasty highway, freeways that stretch 6 lanes, that blew me away. Another observation was the number of cars on the road, personally I don't own a vehicle, I did have a motorbike, but school comes first so I sold it for money. I ride my bicycle now and enjoy it, but I do get tired of breathing fumes all day, put those cars away people and ride a bike or walk or take transit.
      And if any girls out there want anymore incentive, it is great for the butt and thighs, biking will have you in star shape in no time. Oh I also climb, rock climb that is, I am no lazy girl, I get out there, next up an adventure race and some ultramarathons, I am more active as a female than I was ever as a male. I love pushing my body to the limit, the euphoria is great and just like a nice long highm, it is almost better than sex, well maybe not.
     News, I bought myself an mp3 player so now I can bike for hours and never have to change music and for school a jump drive, woo hoo, I can do all my research and writing on one device no more loss disks for me!
     Trans wise, umm going in for my first electrolysis appointment on friday, scary, but thank mother earth I was blessed with little to almost no facial hair. I didn't start shaving until I was 18 and that was only every week, now I can go two days without much growth, I could never grow a full-beard, not that I wanted to, but when camping I let it grow a few times and it only was patchy, I was odered by friends to never let it grow again, that is how bad it is. So I am hoping it won't take too many treatments to take care of.
    Hormones wise, well nothing to report, my emotions have leveled, my body must getting used to the drugs, I have to go see my endo on the 12 and I am assuming he will boost my dosage as my dose right now is quite low from what I gather, but that is fine because I want to remain healthy, for me there is nothing worse than having to sit a day on the couch doing nothing, i have to do it once a week for a rest, because I am going six days a week strong, about 300 miles on the bike and three to four days in the climbing gym....And injuries are no fun....

Well I better get going, i have to be up early....

later, sarah

07/27/05: Where did I go?

Umm where to begin, well I have been on e for more than a month, nothing much to note, although some mean mood swings, but I had those before! ha. Besides the physical there are the important psychological changes and again not much that I had not already experienced naturally.
Life is pretty boring these days, though pride day is in town this weekend so I get to an open dyke for once. Well I have always been open that way, but people assumed I was a guy, girl were they wrong. Now I get more smiles from girls, it is exciting and special, I am not sure what they read me as and I don't really care at this point, finally in my life I am flirting and loving it. Maybe I am just a butch to them, or a pretty boy, not sure, all I know is I am being smiled at and even getting a few hellos. I was always worried before taking the next step, as in the physical one I would loose what ever chance I had at a relationship, but I am now finding people who actually find me cute enough to talk to, I guess it comes down to self-confidence and how you hold yourself.
I was never confident with myself when I was in denial, but now even though I don't pull of a femme girl, according to some I am ftm, or is that mtf, I feel more confident with myself, I have more of a skip to my step rather than a drag my feet walk. And no matter how my body responds to all the pills and such doesn't really matter, because what is between your ears is more important. If I can find myself attractive than someone else will, and I always believed that if a person likes you enough than the body is irrelivent, they will fall in love with your personality rather than your body. So even if I achieve androgyny, which apparently I am already, and never even knew it, no wonder I get looks going into the mens room, I thought it was always because I had funny hair, I will be happy with my body, because I know my person will never change, just my negative feelings will be positive. If all this process does is make me happy with my body then the purpose is served, it is not about becoming one or the other but becoming yourself.

06/27/05: Mondays, what else can I say!

So another day come and gone, spent the day looking into med school and post grad work. Not sure medicine is my strength, I am more of a social type of girl. But the biggest thing of all is the start of hormones, I already get cramps in my muscles, ouch. Though I am a very active person, 1 hour biking to and from work and also on weekends I go for a long ride for three hours, plus I love the rock, climbing is euphoric, a high like no other, though sex may be close. All this excersize helps me focus on my writing and academic when I am actually in school. Plus now with hormones I want to keep my body in good shape, girl doesn't equal weak. In fact I am thinking of taking a boxing class, a ftm friend of mine even suggested yoga, I suppose he is right, a little flexibility never hurt anyone!
Well two more months until another school term, and the excitement of it all, I personally love the research papers, I hate exams, my reasoning is as follows; research allows one to explore issues she chooses and is interested in where if one has to wrtie an exam, you are solely spitting back the info and nothing is learned. Whereas if you have to put in many hours researching and writing the paper it allows for far more retention, which is good. As one man said, most students only retain 10 percent of what they learn, maybe they should just condence the time for a Bachelors down to 1 tenth the time, finish in four months! But where would the fun be in that....

well take care,

sarah.

06/17/05: What a joyous day!

So I have not written in a while, it has been busy. The first big news is my approval for hormones, wow, next week my body, chemically at least will be female at last. It comes after having to go through several different channels to get here, I feel I have answered the same questions a hundred times, I got the routine down pat. Finally I found a doctor who wants to work with me, rather than against me. Not that i skipped around the soc, because I truely believe that one should really think about what they are doing, it is a lasting choice, and the need for proper medical care is imperative. The thing that i have found is that there are doctors who want to help the patient and other who want to help, but have their own agenda to attend to. Here where I live there is no official gender program with a good group of professionals helping people like us.
Now onto even better news, my mother has began to open up and accept me as her daughter, she is seeing that she is not lossing a son, but is gaining a daughter, which by the way she never had. She even had the foresight to go see my peer counsellor the other day, they chatted and both came out smiling, so I am happy, and my mom is content with my decision, she now understands this is not a choice, but a decision that was decided long ago by biology. She is coming to grips with the loss of natural grandchildren, but I tell her she will have grandkids, they may be adopted or produced with the help of my girlfriend.
I am joyously looking forward to the coming school year and my official start of my one year real life test as I will be going to school finally as it was meant to be, a girl. I am excited and nervious, but I know that if I can be myself finally, that will be the greatest joy of all.

well I must go

take care

05/22/05: another day,

So I went out for dinner with my mother and her friends from out of town, wow dinner was awesome. The down fall is I had to wear male drag, oh well I am mostly androgynous anyways. I must say the food was incredible, I had seafood linguini, ooh my mouth was watering, and not only because of the cute female staff. Now I sit here typing as usual trying to come up with some great thought. Though I had an interesting week most notebly at my weekly transgender group, I have befriended a ftm, we get along really well, I must say he has a special kind of masculinity that is not like biomen, he is softer more refined, sweet even..Who knows I might just fall for him....As a feminist, lesbian (?) I try to distant myself from men, mostly because of past expierences, I only have two bio male friends, one is a actor, the other is a student, the rest of my friends are female or transgender males.
Not that I am out right against men, as once I was apart of the lot, well in many ways I am still. I have yet to define my gender, female, more female than male, umm gender queer, my body I am very clear it is/will be female. I think the classical man is sad, the constant trying to be tougher and stronger than the next guy, always having to keep in emotions, despite that they would love to cry out, it needs changing, and I believe it begins with transgender ideas. Now the behaviours that we classify as transgender may soon find themselves apart of the normal experience of gender in both males and females. Deviant becoming norm, but this leaves identity issues for trans folks, when you take away the uniqueness of being trans we are left searching for its meaning. Transgender can become normalized and thrown into the definition of gender as a whole, in essence eliminating trans all together, but then again if we are in a sence all transgender than there is no need for gender because it becomes meaningless, as does all classifications of sexual orientation.
Wow I got side tracked, not unusual, I am after all an academic after all. That being said I have been looking into grad schools, right now I am looking at oxford, maybe a university in australia or new zealand, I am not really sure. I still have quite abit to finish on my bachelors before that becomes reality. It is just that I can feel it in my bones and heart, it is the right move, lecturing and research is where I need to be to achieve my goals and dreams.
Well I should get going I am tired....take care all

sarah

05/09/05: Progress,

So I went for my appointment with the doctor, it went well, I have to go in for blood work, not the most fun thing, but it is progress. Other than that, I had a great day, I walked all over my part of the city, the sun was out, not all that warm, I like it hot. I am looking forward to the coming fall and the start of the school year, I have only a year and bit left on my undergrad then it is off to postgrad, then eventually lecturing... I faced my first bout of transphobia, but I won't elaborate because, well it is depressing and besides I feel sorry for people who spread hate like that, they must really not like themselves because someone hurt them once. I think all people have stories to tell and share, we can all learn from eachother, no matter how different we are from eachother... Well I better get going, I must be up early, another week of biking ahead of me! Good night all,

sarah

05/07/05: Saturdays are great!

Another day at work, bore, I work really early, I mean I was up at four today to get to work for five. I bike everyday, that is to say I peddle everyday as I just sold my motorbike, which I am sad about in some ways, as I love to ride; something about a machine between your legs...But ever since I got back from my travels I have dedicated myself to simplicity and evironmentally sound practises. I saw some horrific devestation to the land on my travels and don't even get me started on the poverty created by the north, our relience on cheap goods comes at a sacrifice for others, mainly those children making those nike shoes of yours.
What this all adds up to is I hope to get by for the next year at least on human power only, except for the occasional plane ride. The only down side is well my beloved suzuki is now gone and there is no going back now!The up shot, a healthlier means of transportation and body, I am looking forward to the new me, it's looking good so far, even after a month things are coming along, sexy six pack here I come and you thought they were only for the guys. After all I want to look good in my new surf wear, not that I surf, only tried it once in Japan back in highschool, but I dig the clothes.
To celebrate the finalization of my new healthier ways, I am going shopping, what else would a girl do, well besides bouldering that new v2 at the climbing gym.

well that is it,

take care all and remember life is short, smile!!!!!

sarah

05/04/05: The Beginning

Well here I am, where do I start, maybe an introduction would be in order. My name is sarah, I am a lesbian identified transgirl, 24, writer, student and outdoor chick. My outdoor interests include hiking, travelling (just got back from central america) and rock climbing. On the more gentle side of my life I am a academic with a goal of becoming a professor! I love learning, researching and passing on my love for my chossen field.
Why I am saying all of this is that well I am just like any other girl out there! The fact that I am trans is irrelevant. I think some have the idea that we are different from the norm, well in some ways we/I am, but only in how I feel my body and gender meet to create who I am as a female.
One pet peeve I always have is that I have to defend not only my gender/body, but my credibility as a person. It is never well she is a great student who has wide research interests, but she was a he and .... Trans has to be hilighted/italics before anything else can be associated with me. for some identifying as trans helps and is something they can hold, for me I am just a girl who wants to get on with life, and leave my past behind, well at least the part of being male.
I am sorry, I needed to rant and rave, but this is who I am. I am just starting my physical transformation, mentally I am there, have been sinse I was a kid. The irronic part right now is that I pass as a ftm more than a mtf, it has happened more than once, apparently I look adrogynous enough to go either way!
Which by the way is not a bad thing it is just I want girl parts rather than male parts, for me the transition is a physical thing, gender for me is fluid. I don't mind looking androgynous as long as I have girl parts, whether people read me either is not important, but to see people squirm to figure out what you are is facinating, binary thinking go figure.
I quess this is a good time to say that my area of study is psychology and women/gender studies, I want to study and research gender and transgender theory and politics; really understand how we are gendered and why, what is the purpose of having male and female things...anyways more to come in coming days..

I hoped my introduction shed some light on my girl life so far and where it is going,

take care all
and many thanks to Jessica and her drive to have this site, three cheers girl, you go and pat yourself on the back...

sarah