Sara's Diary

04/01/06: Hormones started ^_^

I got my prescription of spironolactone (aldactone 25 mg x6/day)
on March 28th, bought them on the 29th and started taking them then -
so this is my 4th day on HRT woot ^^

Little has changed yet, but at least the poison's gone.
Going to get premarin prescribed at about the end of April, or beginning of May, then it'll just be faster.

Sara

03/02/06: Waiting for results

I went to Head and Hands clinic in Montreal to have hormones
prescribed. Then went to my local CLSC (small public health ressource
center) to have blood tests done (for free!) for a basic profile (lots
of testing). In 3-4 weeks after the test (I took them last Friday),
I'll go back to the clinic, and have anti-androgen, later also
estrogen, prescribed.

I'm kinda excited, eager, restless, hopeful, and sort of can't help to
also be a bit pessimistic about the whole thing (what seems too good to
be true...), well I'll see in due time, but really can't wait until my
test results are in so I can block the nasty testosterone.

01/07/06: Feeling better, much better

Yes, and all it took was a test, sure enough I feel less confused
and more certain. Call me gullible to believe what tickle.com say they
know about gender. I'll just be happy with my result lol. Much less
self-doubts and confusion. Less thinking about wether I force things or
if they happen in and of themselves, and more certainty about
transitioning.

Overall I feel much better and eager to start HRT and therapy.

01/06/06: Got to wait some more

I got called by the hospital again today. She knew little about
things, but found a referencee number for me to call, in the same
building. When I called I got a machine tell me the one I called
wouldn't be there until January 10th. So I got to wait until then...I
still don't know much yet about what they could do, if anything.

01/06/06: The hospital calls back

I called a social worker specialized in TS related issues just
two days ago. It figures, he stopped his working about TS, and he said
he was outdated reference-wise and could not help more.

Earlier some few days before Christmas, I called that hospital that
follows SoC strictly (or so I was told), in Montreal. Not hoping for
much, but I didn't want to not consider it either. I called, they
mentioned they'd call me back in 2-3 weeks for a phone 45 or so minutes
meeting to assess my case (and it wasn't mentioned that it would be
about TS, I assume they knew heh).

Well comes today I get a call in the early afternoon, saying it's them
calling for that phone meeting thing. Yet they're surprised, as this is
a general psychiatry department, and I have an hospital closer to here
that I could go to. I just said they didn't have anything for TS over
there (and I've been there I knew), and that's why I had reference for
Montreal. I asked if therapy could be covered by insurance and she said
she'd call back tomorrow to tell me wether it is (she'd verify during
that time).

Now I'd rather not get my hopes too high, since nothing's certain yet.
Even if it is covered by insurance, it may not turn out as I think.
I'll keep my fingers crossed but not pour all my hope there. Still
let's hope for the best.

As for Christmas, nothing special happened, got no gifts, as I expected to have none too.

Sara

12/25/05: Christmas Day

Nothing special really today. Though my father and his girlfriend
came to visit us yesterday (me and my 21 years old brother), and in
clearer terms now he knows about me being TS. He has no real issue with
it, though he won't completely understand either. If anything it's
better than him not knowing at all.

Not that his knowing or not would affect me in any material way as I
don't depend on anything from him. It's just that now it's no longer a
secret and my nails less of a curiosity to him...

I have a lot of other things on my mind but it can wait. I'm home alone
and have some time to think things through today. I'll take the
opportunity to work on myself.

12/23/05: A glimmer of hope in the tempest of my thoughts

Yes I do feel better, well much better than when I wrote my last
entry. It was a sort of rant and way of venting off steam, but I did
feel quite down. I do feel much better now.

I'm still uncertain about how and what exactly will happen in the
following days. Provided it's the busy Christmas period, I may well
have to go and postpone my plans to beginning of January. I found
gender-friendly groups for youth (14-25) in my area and from what I
heard they would be able to provide testification of being TS so that I
could get hormones started. I'm really looking forward to see what will
happen then.

I'm also looking forward to being more open with people I know about
being TS. Maybe not everyone, but I did tell quite a bunch of people
and it becomes easier and easier to tell others.

It's pretty warming to get complimented on how articulate my arguments
can be and how valueable one can be to the world. Especially when it's
felt as a sincere appreciation rather than simply a way to calm the
situation. I may still doubt myself about how valueable I can be to the
world, but nonetheless I know that I will live and continue to do so
for as long as there is hope in being able to express myself for who I
truely am. Someone I have yet to discover in full, for even I don't
know everything about myself. Hidden buried below debris of the tempest
raging in my heart, that will hopefully soon calm that much more and
let others, as well as me, discover who I truely am, not only
physically, but in every way.

I was able to have a heart-to-heart talk with a nurse that was at the
Café de rue for vaccination day, that for quite a while that time
passed very quickly. We spoke of many subjects and she was pretty open
and helpful. She certainly helped to assert myself in another light
than with self-doubts caused by my own criticism of what ifs and such
ideas. Showing me how I could be that much more than what I thought I
was and that wanting to be myself was in no way bad (even if I knew it
intellectually, I still doubted it a lot) and in no way a mistake also.

I just sort of feel better overall, and look forward to what will happen in the future.

12/20/05: A call to nothing

I've been idle in my things for a long time, assuming the worst,
that there was no issues to how I felt. My psychiatrist sort of gave up
on me, because he would be unable to provide the help I would need, my
generalist can only watch from the sidelines and see what happens and
is pretty powerless to act on his own...

Now my psychiatrist had given me a phone number in our last meeting,
saying it concerned a gender identity clinic or such that could provide
- maybe - treatment, and at a cost...provided I'M in no position,
working or not, to afford psychiatrist fees, I just gave up on the idea.

Not wanting to give up totally, I went to see my generalist, outed
myself to him (with a good reaction I'd say), and he said to call the
phone number I was given beforehand.

And so I did, this morning, call the phone number. It sent me to a
Ressource and Consultation Center line, where I talked with a post-op
60 years old Male-to-Female TS for a while. She asked a lot of
questions, some of little importance except preventing to be sued later
on for bad counseling, but in no way of much importance otherwisely.

She gave me the number of the General Hospital who supposedly pays for
SRS (in Europe somehow, not here), provided you fit their evaluation.
From what she said, the evaluation must take place before anything
related to treatment starts, though their evaluation, from what she
asked as questions, seems to be based upon how I was when I was 2 years
old and things I have trouble remembering if I could at all. More about
behavior than thought and feelings - which is what I feared. It's
biased, old and BS that it would still be that way today in 2005 soon
2006...

I'll see what happens next, I'm supposed to have a phone-meeting for
psychiatry to judge my case in 2-3 weeks, hopefully the meetings
afterwards being paid by state or else I'd have to drop the whole thing.

If that doesn't work I'll try to find a state-paid gender clinic or
anything that could help, in my area...and if nothing else I'll
illegally order hormones because the system is too biased...I wanted to
avoid going illegal, if anything I would have my generalist ask to
monitor the dosages and everything.

It's all better than dying and cursing my fate, so it can't be
helped...I hope I'M wrong here...too bad I'm usually right about these
things.

09/16/05: After the appointment

Alright, I let it sink in yesterday, my appointment was 2 days ago.

Doctor asked questions again about how I was feeling and everything. I
got a psychiatrist appointment too...but from what I said he thinks I
may be a paranoid schizophreniac...oh well, anyway I have a
psychiatrist now I'll see how it turns out. And I have to go back to my
doctor on the 28th too, 2 weeks. Hopefully then I can tell him about me.

I didn't tell him about me because he had to fill a form for me for
social security about my condition and I didn't want it to be biased
and if he had any prejudice over the matter it could've gone wrong...I
didn't chance it, but next time it won't matter and I might be able to
tell him without bad consequences. Yes I might be overly self-conscious
about some things, that being akin to what he thinks affects me, but
also a consequence of a lack of total acceptance over myself.

Well that's it for now, I'll write more later...

Sara

09/12/05: and she opened her eyes and was no longer blind

Well, not that I want to sound biblical or anything, but really,
I've been blinded. My self-loathing and blaming and what not made me
blind to what the problem was. The source of my depression.

It's not as much being TS itself that is the problem, although it can
cause some, it's not the root of it. It's my lack of acceptance towards
my own self. Despite how I thought I was fully accepting myself, I was
not, and I can't say I do 100% now either, but at least I know what to
work on now.

I am who I am, and I found over the years that I simply cannot live as
a boy or man, the lack of acceptance from my part has always been
there, I never accepted the body as mine and got into this 'I don't
care what happens, kill me' phase so it just could end. As a sort of
defense (limiting the suffering to either find the cause, or end it).
Well when I sort of 'woke up' and started researching transgender
related topics back in April of this year, it made me realize how I've
just avoided acceptance because it was easier to survive that way...but
it's temporary, you can't 'live' that way...now I have to find myself
back and care about who I am, not just my hair or appearance, but who I
am inside and outside.

It's come down to this, either I accept myself for me, or I won't live
it down. I already knew that, but didn't apply it. I accepted
transition as inevitable (albeit scary and what not), I accepted the
need to find myself, I refused to go overboard with the superficiality
of it as to miss the main point of it all, which isn't about passing
(though it is important too)...if you don't accept yourself for who you
are and think you're a freak and people will think you are...well they
don't tend to get too close to you. But if you accept yourself for
yourself, not a freak, but a unique individual, just like anyone else,
and equal to everyone else, then it is good.

I've understood this, but still the process is not instant, I have yet
more work for days, weeks, months and years to come, but I'll come
around. I can't say when, but I'll keep you posted if something new
comes... 36 hours to my appointment now (well or so)...nothing to worry
about, I know that if things don't go how I think they should, I'll
steer it the right way. Or do what I can for it, I won't just wish
agaist fate, I'll act if I have to. I mean if the doctor thinks my
depression can be cured on itself and that it's just a matter of pills,
I'll out myself and whatever happens happens.

Oh feels good to get that out of my system, now I'll sleep a good night for once hehe.

Sara