Nicole's Diary

01/10/05: Hormones begin, yay!

Hormones
In case anybody out there was wondering, I began hormones last Thursday. It's not much to begin with - my doctor wants to make sure I won't have any adverse reaction to it - but I'm now taking 1mg of estradiol every day. Hooray!

I'll let anybody know if I notice any differences, of course, but I doubt I'll notice much with just 1mg of estradiol and no anti-androgens. Still, it's a start.

School
My therapist kept trying to get me to not worry about classes (and grades) as much as I do. So, for the last month or so of school, I didn't do any reading at all (except for the occasional tidbit going through the study guides). I hate when people are right about my stressing out - I got straight A's in all my classes. Only one more semester of stress left, and then I'm finally done with my BA. I don't know what to do after that, though. I was thinking either a Psych PhD (sexology), a Psychiatry MD, or perhaps a BSN (psychiatric nurse). Still, I think I'm going to wait until I'm much farther into my transition to undertake an additional expensive ordeal.

01/05/05: Mini-entries

I think I'm going to start doing little entries from now on. One of the things that keeps me from entering more into my diary is just how daunting of a task it is to sum up all the aspects of my life. I know I don't have anything profound to say, so the diary is mostly for me anyways. And who knows... maybe there is some other young transgender individual out there that will find my entries inspiring (or boring).

Wedding
Over Christmas, I went down to Lee's parents house for the usual festivities. On the Monday after Christmas, we went to David's Bridal to try out wedding dresses. She wants to be the one wearing the traditional white wedding dress (as a dream of hers), and I totally respect that. I'd rather have a more classic looking tuxedo-esque dress, anyways. We ended up spending about 4 hours there... and it was one of the most stressful and exciting things I've ever done. Lee found her dress right away - the very first dress she tried on, we all fell in love with. Although she tried on many more after that, none of them beat it.

I was so happy with the treatment I got. I'll admit it - I don't look perfectly female. I know I look somewhere in between. So, I was very impressed with how the girls treated me. There was only one (minor) pronoun slipup, but other than that, they treated me like any other girl trying out dresses for her wedding day. My heart nearly leaped out of my throat everytime I stepped out of the dressing room and paraded about for everybody to see. I eventually settled on this dress - it looks great on me. Although I doubt I'll have the breasts for it by May 21st (our wedding day), I have breasts forms I can use - and they looked fine when I was trying it on.

We also got our wedding rings done. They're absolutely beautiful! Custom made by James Hunt, they are platinum bands that have an additional band inset in them. This band rotates seperately from the main band. It's really hard to describe, but let me assure you - it's an amazing fiddle toy. His work is outstanding, and we spent about the same amount we would have spent on plain bands at a regular jeweler.

Anyways, I'm up for hormone approval tomorrow - wish me luck! I'll find out whether or not I'm approved at my 2:30 appointment with my physician. Gulp!

Currently Watching Normal starring

12/22/04: How to Kill a Mockingbird

It must be seen to be believed:

http://www.stanford.edu/~scondary/tkam.htm

It appears that the first link was so popular, that Stanford took it down temporarily. If it still doesn't work for you, try this one: http://www.stanford.edu/~nicorb/tkam.htm

12/15/04: Happy Belated Diary Entry!

So, I feel absolutely terrible about not updating my journal in about a month. Jessica has been rightfully bugging me to update my diary, and now I swear that I'm finally going to do it for sure maybe this time.

Thanksgiving...
Lee and I went down to her family's place for Thanksgiving, and it really went a lot better than I thought it would. This was the first time her parents met Nicole, and it turns out my misgivings were (mostly) unfounded. She spent many many hours talking with her mom and dad about marriage and me, and that seemed to help reduce their anxiety a bit. Her dad even called me "Nicole" a couple times - it sent an amazing shot of happiness right through me, and totally made my day. Speaking of...

Marriage
plans are very much up in the air. There are a few things that are really impeding it. One, the HR rep I deal with at work still hasn't gotten back to me. What I really need to know is that if I change my name at marriage time (which would be hugely convenient), if I have to change my name immediately at work. I really don't want to - ideally, I'd prefer to get married in January and come out at work in March or so (the slowest time of the semester, generally). Also, Lee's parents have expressed some concern about us getting married so soon; although we've been living together for 2.5 years (as long as we've known each other), they still want us to wait until this summer time.

Hormones, as discussed earlier in my diary, are still an annoyance. Nothing I could do helped with the scheduling error at PHS. So, I've had the psychiatric evaluation (verdict: yes), the physician evaluation (verdict: yes, pending blood samples), the psychologist evaluation (verdict: yes), but I still have to wait until January 6th to be approved for hormones. Frustrating!

Work has been a bit frustrating lately. Last week, I had 2 electrolysis appointments, a psychiatric evaluation, a physician evaluation, and a bunch of blood work done. That, combined with overnight three times, and finals approaching... I've not been the most flawless worker lately. Part of it is that I'm trying too hard; but I really want to look good before I transition. The more positive karma I have built up, the better - it's going to be a rough transition, I think.

School has been going decently, though. The biopsychology class I'm in has gotten better - I'm up to 98.1%. My other classes, cultural psychology and clinical psychology are also going decently - I think I'm swinging around 93-95%. You may say, "Nicole, you've got 'A's in all your classes - why worry?", and you'd be right - I do worry too much. I'm too perfectionistic with school, but I'm working hard with my therapist to study less. Go figure.

My transition has been going really well, I think. I've been living as Nicole (outside of work) since the beginning of December, with no time off, not even for electrolysis days. I'm really enjoying it, although it can be really tough sometimes. But, nobody said this was ever going to be easy...

So, I think that's about everything. Let me know if I've forgotten anything.

11/14/04: Bureaucracy strikes again!

It seems like just yesterday; everything was looking up and it looked like hormones were a mere month away. But then, bureaucracy struck! I ended up having to reschedule my "Eating Disorder Evaluation" meeting (after waiting in the lobby for an hour!) because the therapist that was going to conduct it is going on vacation or something. The only days that were available to reschedule the evaluation were late enough that it's scheduled after the once-a-month hormone readiness evaluation.

So now, instead of being approved for hormones on December 2nd, the earliest I would be approved is January 6th. Of course, my doctor's appointment which was scheduled on December 9th will turn into just a regular physical, and I'll have to schedule another appointment for sometime after the 6th. Odds are, it'll be mid to late January before I can begin to take hormones. I should have known... I work for a huge company, and I know how ridiculously stupid the bureaucracy can be. It sure is great going through the system (sarcasm). Sigh.

I did see The Incredibles last night, though - it was awesome! So, at least not everything in my life is morbidly depressing.

11/09/04: Life goes on...

Sorry not writing for the last five days, life has been almost too busy for me. Although I'm only 23, some of these work weeks make me feel like I'm 50. Both this week and last week have been 45-50 hour work weeks. That, combined with exams, homework, TG stuff, Lee, volunteer work, etc... I hardly have the intellectual and emotional capacity to continue. It's only my superhuman stubbornness against failure that keeps me going.

Some good things: I got the results back from my biopsychology class, and I had the 4th highest score in the class. Yay! That puts me at 96% overall in the class. Speaking of class, I've had a couple more days of class as Nicole (3 classes). It's so hard sometimes, though, when I'm getting ready. About half the time I'll look in the mirror after putting on makeup and getting ready... and I see Nick. It makes me want to curl up into a ball on the bathroom floor and start crying.

... which is about what happened last weekend when Lee, Andrew, and I went out shopping. Putting on and taking off many different pieces of clothing had stripped almost all the makeup from my face. When I passed by a mirror at Target, I saw nothing but a boy with boobs. I didn't know what to do... I just wanted to go home. So, I sat down on the floor near the mirror and put on another quick layer of foundation, which helped me feel a bit better. Nobody says anything to me, but I can't help but wonder how many people are thinking "Freak!" in their heads. Ahh, the wonderful paranoid life of a T-Girl. Sigh.

Anyways, time to get back to work. I have to write a school paper, put away the laundry, and clean the ratling cage. Jaa!

Currently Listening Volume 3: Further in Time by Afro Celt Sound System

11/04/04: Pseudo RLT

So, I'm getting a taste of what is going to be like when I'm out full time. No matter what I tried, I couldn't get myself to look feminine in my mind. I'm not sure if it was that, or I just wasn't looking very feminine today, but a good number of people referred to me using male pronouns today even though I was dressed as a girl and had the boobs in. I'm sure hormones will help soften out the face and lessen some of the body hair, but I'm sure I'm going to have to get used to being mistaken as a male or looked at funny for a long time.

On the plus side, electrolysis is going great. I had another hour long session yesterday, and pretty much my whole face was cleared (with the exception of my upper lip, which can only take so much punishment in a single day.) My electrologist has been doing electrolysis for about 20 years now, and she said that she thinks I'll be the first patient she's ever had that she think she'll finish in less than 100 hours. Yay!

Oh, and today has been frustratingly busy. I got paged on an emergency at 9am this morning for work. From there, it was pretty much solid frantic work until 3pm when I headed off to take a Cultural Psychology exam. From there, I was off to do some volunteer work which ended at 7pm. You might think I could take a breather at that point, but no: I had more work I had to do at 8pm. That got wrapped up around 9pm, just in time for another emergency page to come in for me to take care of. So tired...

Currently Reading Clinical Psychology (with InfoTrac) by Timothy J. Trull

11/02/04: Stupid youth voters...

17% turnout for 18-24 year olds. All I can say is a big fuck you to my age category. I don't care who the hell you vote for, but this apathy/laziness just pisses me off. Not only is it looking bad for any candidate that would be accepting of the GLBT community, but almost every state that had "ban gay marriage" ballot initiatives is looking like it'll pass them.

On the brighter side, I finally went to class these last couple days for the first real time as Nicole, and it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it could be. I'm probably the most prolific contributer in all three of my classes (Biopsych, Clinical Psych, and Cultural Psych) - so I was shaking before class with nervousness about how people would react. Other than people being a bit quiet about it, I didn't really experience any huge differences. Nobody was giving me ogling looks, or anything negative, which is really assuring.

In my therapy session today, I talked about the usual - hormones, family, my relationship with Lee, and my eating disorder. I had a chance to buy hormones last weekend, but I didn't - so we spent a lot of time in therapy talking about that. My therapist also is also referring me to another psychologist to evaluate my eating disorder. Hopefully it won't be bad enough to prevent me from getting on hormones (which I'd like to start taking this December).

Currently Reading The Pill Book, Eleventh Edition (Pill Book) by HAROLD M. SILVERMAN

10/30/04: Sleepy...

Ahh, I'm so tired. I volunteer about once a month at an abortion clinic as an escort, and today they decided to open up at 6:30am. Ugh! It's a really interesting volunteer experience, though. Basically, my job is to help the people seeking services get to the front door. That involves protecting them from the protesters, and just as often, the other way around. Fathers are especially protective of their daughters, and I have to make sure that fights don't break out - getting the police involved is in nobody's best interest.

If you'll listen in, I'll tell you what I think is the dirty secret of the abortion clinic world. In recent years, funding for abortion and women's health clinics has dried up a ton. As such, everybody is nearly on the brink of bankruptcy. I've never seen nor heard of these multi-millionaire abortion doctors - most of them just do it as volunteer work (or have a low charge to cover insurance costs.) Nobody is making money off abortion - except for the protesters. With churches awash in money these days, many of them are paid to be there. That's right, although I'm there as an unpaid volunteer, many of the protesters are paid decent money to harass these women. Very frustrating!

Currently Reading this bridge we call home: radical visions for transformation by Gloria E. Anzaldua, Analouise Keating

10/28/04: A letter to the parents

So, my therapist's homework for this Friday is to write a letter to my parents. I haven't seen them for about two years, and they're both pretty messed up (something I'm sure I'll detail in another post). In any case, they still call my social worker about me every so often to ask how I'm doing. With so much going on in my life, I figured that I should at least be courteous and write them an update letter.

So, anybody have any advice for revisions? I'm not a very good letter writer, so any advice would be really appreciated!

Currently Listening Fallen by Evanescence