Emily's Diary

07/14/06: The universe works in yada yada yada

So I've been going through a big struggle lately -- I really wanted to get my hair cut in more of a style, but because I need to pass as a boy for work, I was always afraid of the stylist not getting it and going to far either one way or another. Tonight I really debated about it because I needed a haircut.

I decided not to, because I felt it would be too much of a hassle. and I set out to get my hair trimmed. None of the first three places I went had room for a walk-in. Finally at the fourth place there was room.

It turns out the person cutting my hair was very trans friendly. It took me a while to pick up on his hints, but eventually I caught up. I now have a great hairstyle than can pass as a boy when I need to. .

Everytime I feel nervous about taking my next step, I run into someone that helps me past the metaphorical threshold. And every time it happens I feel more sure this is the path I need to be on.

09/07/05: Not really news about me...

Gender Rights Advocacy Association of New Jersey (GRANJJ) is sponsoring  a FREE sneak preview of the Sundance Channel Original Series called Transgeneration: Four College Students Switching More Than Their Majors.

It will be showing in the Loft at the Pride Center in North Brunswick, NJ on (THIS) Friday September 9, 2005 at 7:30pm.

Another Trans-friendly event coming up is the premiere of Samurization -- a brand new solo show about getting what you want starring Pandora Scooter.   Although the subject matter isn't TG, Pandora is an amazing performer and well worth a trip to watch.  She is very pro-TG and is a willing advocate for our rights.

Tickets are $10.    The performance is at through the Black Box and is located at the Stephen Crane House
508 Fourth Avenue in Asbury Park, NJ .  Shows are Sat & Sun Sept 10 & 11 annd Sept 17 & 18 at 8pm.

08/22/05: How to win people and influence friends!

Is it just me, or do transpeople in general have bizarre senses of humor?  I guess it is because of all we've had to cope with in life -- I just find that all the worst puns and jokes seem to surface in support groups .

Anyhoo, things have gone really well the past few days.  Friday night I went to the open mic at the Pride Center and had a blast!  My friend who runs it was out of town, but I decided to go anyway -- I figure I need to get out and start living among the masses if I'm going to live any sort of life.  I ended up talking with one of the writers there -- he read a great poem of his called transcendental chicken -- it was inspired by his package of organic eggs that came from "vegetarian chickens".  But the best part of the night was the couple that run the mic with my friend, invited me out with them and some friends afterwards to eat and I had a great time with them.  And now I've been invited along on more escapades in the future!   They are both really sweet guys and I think they'll be fun to get to know.

And I think I can say this because it seems to be becoming common knowledge... I have a cute butt!  I've had three compliments in the past week from both men and women .   Looks like all my exercising is finally paying off.  Now if I can only find a late twenties, early-thirties bi-sexual or lesbian woman to say it to me seconds before she asks me out, I'll be all set!  All kidding aside, I know I shouldn't be too proud over something so superficial(especially since I never want to be known as a piece of ass), but it is a good self-esteem booster.  I mean, let's face it, if they wanted to compliment me, they could have said, "nice top" or "nice hair" but all three of these people felt the urge, no wait, the need to tell me my posterior was fine.  And since there was no chance of any of them getting anywhere romantically with me, they had nothing to gain by saying it.  That means it is a real compliment to take to the bank. Yea!

08/17/05: Life, Love and Momentary Happiness

The past 24 hours have been emotionally interesting.  When you last left your beautiful heroine, I was trapped in the clutches of the evil gloommeister and his death ray of lonliness.  A few moments before loggin off for the evening, a ray of sunshine from the forums here, broke the evil bastard's spell and made me laugh.  Thanks to the darling angel who helped break my bummer mood last night .

So I went to be last night actually smiling and feeling good.  Woke up, showered and I was singing (much to the ire of our neighbors).  Work started out prety good until the fateful IM from my wife announcing that she was denied for the mortgage she wanted and it'll cost another $100 a month for the one they offered.  I could feel the clouds of gloom and doom surrounding her threatening to come through my computer screen.  I kept fighting them off and didn't let her drag me in.  I also made sure that I didn't offer suggestions because she needs to figure it out for herself.  I thought we should try to do something fun tonight.  I suggested renting one of our favorite movies.  we wtached a bit of it and then started to kiss a little.  If you've seen Back the future, you remember tha part where he says it feels like kissing his sister?  That's what the kisses were like.  It just kind of hammered home that the relationship has totally changed.  Now I'm just sort of zen at the moment.

08/16/05: I'm all alone... there's nobody home...

08/13/05: Out of Limbo?

The saga of the separation continues...  just to get everyone up to speed, my wife and I are separating as soon as we can find a house for her to buy.  Four weeks ago, she found a house and put an offer in.  At first they rejected the offer, but later came back and accepted it.  Both lawyers went on vacation and attorney review drug on for the whole time.  Two weeks ago Monday, they finally got out of attorney review.  Things seemed to be going ok until the home inspection last Friday.  Major problems were found with the house that my wife couldn't afford to fix.  Looked like the deal was going to die.  But finally late last week, the seler's came back saying they will fix most of it.  Now she has to get estimates on the work remaining to figure out if she can afford to do it.  So once again I'm in limbo but maybe not...

I'm just ready to move on with my life.  I want to getting my life together and deal with transition rather than life issues.

I guess in a certain way, it is good things are moving much slower than I'd like.  Two weeks ago I was speaking with a MTF in the one support group I go to and we were discussing someone in the group who seemed to be recklessly plunging forward with transition, even though she didn't have a support network built to get through sucessfully.  She started developing this wonderful metaphor about baking and transition.

When you bake a cake and recipe the calls for a temperature of 425 degrees at 20 minutes, you have to follow that time and temperature in order for the cake to taste right and have the right texture.    If you try to increase the temperature to cook it faster you'll still get a cake, but it won't be as good.

I've found peace with who I am, now I think I just need to come to peace with the path I must travel.

07/20/05: ???whu???

I have no idea why I';ve decided t free-write here, but have because today was really stressful for me and it probably shouldn't have been just maybe because I seem to be permanently in limbo and its driving me slightly insane but thatsokay i'm not even going to use periods tonight so there.... try reading this while drunk tee-hee i think the thing at work that is bugging me the most os that we've just moved to a "new" office, but the fact of the matter is this nerw construction is disgusting There is tar leaking into the office from the roof and right by my desk thank you very much and there are buigs crawling everywhere i hate it the only natural light comes from skylights which don't rally work o it feels like i'm working in a basement i hate it it keeps stressing e aout and i try to ignore it but it is not helping.

07/13/05: Ramblings of an incoherent mind

On my way home tonight I noticed a new office building being built. What struck me about it was the office building had personality. It's architecture was not just cookie cutter but actually had design elements that made it unique.

Now my area is a booming housing market and new developments are springing up everywhere you can imagine. But all of this new construction are prefab, static, unchanging design. They all look the same.

Architecture is a window to the soul of a culture. For a long time I have felt that in America, corporate interests are superceeding that of individuals. But tonight was the first time I noticed that we seem to be more concerned about our places of employment rather than where we live. It makes me a bit sad as it really should be the other way around.

06/27/05: Avenue Q

I finally got in to New York this weekend to see the musicial "Avenue Q". For anyone not familiar with it, the concept is Sesame Street for adults. It has songs such as "It sucks to be me", "Everyone's a little bit Racist, sometimes", "If you were gay (But I'm Not Gay)" (sung by the Ernie-esque Nickie to the Bert-like Rod), and "The Internet (is for Porn)".

Now based on those song titles, I think it is clear that this is not a "vanilla" show. But one moment in the play made me realize how far people have come in terms of acceptance of homosexuality. In one of the songs, Rod, a closeted homosexual, has a dream fantasy where Nickie comes out to him. At the end of the song Rod is awoken and discovers he was dreaming. As he lays down on his pillow and Rod stares at Nickie. The whole audience let out a collective sympathetic sigh. Twenty years ago such a response would have never happened.

It gives me hope that as the Trans-community gets our act together that we can be as accepted as well.

Oh and the other great part of the show -- there is a line that is a direct dig against George Bush -- the audience broke into spontaneous applause at the slam. God Bless America and the fact that idiots can only run the country so long.

Currently Watching Scrubs - The Complete First Season starring Zach Braff

06/11/05: I just don't get it...

I recently read this article on CNN...

To paraphrase the article, it says that some women are genetically structured so that they cannot have orgasms. What strikes me as bizarre is that this "scientific" conclusion has been reached without eliminating one major variable... the sexual partner.

But lord forbid that a man actually not be able to bring a partner to orgasm! The male bias in this story is clear. Now one might ask "Emily, you don't (yet) have the proper anatomy to even be concerned about this issue, why is this upsetting you so much?"

To that I would respond, "because we're all suffering from the same prejudice."

Recently I was at a TG support group where one member became stirred up saying that lesbians hate the TG community and don't have anything to offer us. While I have to admit I have had some bad experiences as a TG with particular lesbians, more often than not, I have had positive interactions. In fact, one of the most important people in my support network is a lesbian (it's kind of cute how she tries to protect me).

Whether straight or lesbian, genetic or TG girl, we all fight the same prejudice as women. And while some individuals in every community are beyond redemption, it is important to continue to educate and recognize what common ground we all have. We need to fight not only the battles that affect us directly, but also those which impact our sisters.

The floor is open for rabid hate mail because I'm off my soapbox...

em