Jessica's Diary

01/13/07: Short update

Hey all,

Sorry I haven't posted. It's not that I've been away from TransLife. Actually far from it. I've been focused on the redesign. I've been hesitant to write new entries in this blog system because of the new one that will be live in a week or so. I'm really excited for this major change to the website. We're expanding, and that's a great thing. So for now...this is my brief little update. Watch for the new design in a week or so. It'll be really cool. Until then...see ya.

Jessica

11/13/06: Boring day

Today has been a huge boring waste of a day. I woke up late, didn't want to move, and sat in my desk chair for several hours talking with friends. I realize that every once in a while we need days like that, but I always feel guilty when that happens. I have so much to do, and none of it is getting done. Still...I think a part of me is enjoying the lack of use of my brain. It's probably the weather. It's pretty dreary out.

Anyway, in other news, I have a girlfriend now. We made it official on Saturday night. So that's great. We giggle so much when we're together. It's pretty awesome that we enjoy each other's company so much. Several friends have told me to invite them to the committment ceremony, which I think is funny. That's not even a consideration right now. We're just enjoying each other and such.

Job news...I got called by a recruiting firm about a possible job on Friday. Sent them my resume, but otherwise haven't heard anything. It's a rather high paying job, which suggests to me that I wont get the job. I'm trying to be optimistic though. I also applied for a couple more jobs. I take it a week at a time. I send out three or four a week, which is a good pace I think. Still a bit discouraging though... I make around 400 dollars a month right now. It barely pays my bills, and my credit card debt is just mounting. Christmas is coming, and I can't afford to buy anyone anything. This is why I hated the holidays last year. If you recall...I was a huge sourpuss then. It may be the same this year.

TransLife has become a bit of a stagnant point for me. I want to do stuff with it, but I don't have any resources to do anything as of yet. I need a job before I can really do anything with it. So for now, I just have to leave it as is. I might get the motivation to be uber productive on it, but we'll see. I have my research to finish, which has been sitting on my desk for months. I also have my job apps to send out. I have my professional website that I'm working on...slowly. I also have my spiritual journey occupying my thoughts, and my epic story which I want to turn into an animated series is taking most of my focus. I can't help it. My creative mind is seeking an outlet, and the story is taking up most of that outlet energy. It's coming along nicely, but I feel guilty because I should be doing other things.

That's where I'm at right now...on the positive...Tracy is my girlfriend, and on the negative...feeling stuck in my job and life right now. It makes for some interesting emotional swings. I see Tracy, and things are great. Then...I work my stupid part time job, and I get depressed. Ups and Downs. I'm surviving, but I truly hope things look better soon.

Oh yeah...on another positive, I met with a guy at the local tech school about television production and my talents. For once, I had someone tell me I had skills. He basically said that anyone with an eye for video could and should be able to see that I have talent. I just need a little bit of investment in time. He suggesting I take a course in High Definition Video production next semester, which I'm already working on getting registered for. And then he's also compiling a list of locations I could send my resume and such to. So perhaps things will look up soon. Cross your fingers for me if you could. Thanks.

Well...I should get ready for work and clean up my mess in my room. Talk to you all soon.

Luv,
Jess

10/30/06: Jessica Monthly Update!!!

The winds of change have worked their magic. A lot's been going on for me. I've been working a lot. Unfortunately it hasn't been a career type job. I'm still just working part time at the movie theater while I search for work. I've currently got 9 resumes out, and the 10th will probably go out tomorrow. So things are hopefully looking up.

Let's see...updates since the last entry. I finally finished my latest series. I did that about a week after I wrote the last entry. So that's done and out of my mind. I was happy with the end, but at the same time, it could have been better. Ah well...we did our best, and that's what counts.

After I finished my series, I decided to recut my demo reel, which I may have mentioned before as being required for getting a video type job. I made a cut I was satisfied with, put it online, and showed it to some friends that I very recently met. Both of them are really deep into the video / film industry. Basically they looked at my reel and told me it was crap. They gave my work a lot of criticism that really helped me see things differently. I had no idea what a real demo reel was supposed to look like until I talked to them.

So I recut it again. I'd have to say all in all I recut my reel four times. Finally I was left with something that they were both satisfied with, and I was proud of. However, I was left feeling like I knew very little about video production. My hopes for a video career were somewhat dashed, but I guess it was a good thing. I feel like I have a fresh perspective on my skills and talents. I'm applying for any job I have experience in right now. Really for me it serves as a medium for getting my hands on a video camera and making more films. So as long as I get a job I don't hate, I'll be ok.

Relationship news... a lot has changed. As of about a week ago, the long distance relationship ended. I'm actually quite happy about it. In my last entry I posted the communication got better. Well...that didn't last long. After a couple weeks, she reverted back to saying "Hi, love you, gotta go" and that was it. Eventually I got sick of it and essentially told her to get a phone and call me. That was a catalyst to a huge fight, which ended in the breakup. She was demanding I do ourtrageous things to get her back. I took a step back and looked at our relationship, and my eyes really opened. For the first time I saw her for the controlling, obsessive, unstable, and abusive girl she was. After that, all attraction I had for her disappeared. I was happy to see the relationship end. I hope she'll be ok. It sounded like she had a lot of issues to work out.

In the meantime, I had a girl send me a message on Yahoo Personals. I was shocked, because I had looked through the profiles on that site about a week earlier and thought that she was cute. But I didn't think she'd be interested in me. So I didn't say anything, and then a week later I get a message from her. It was a really sweet message basically saying that she was smitten and paid for an account just to message me. I was totally flattered, and of course had to write back. And that's the beginning.

We called each other, then we set up a first date in a coffee shop. We ended up closing the shop because we were there so long talking. Needless to say it went well. I was a little concerned on how she would take me being trans, but it really was a non-issue. I told her within the first five minutes. Anyway, since that date, we've gone out several more times. She even met my parents this past weekend. They really like her too.

So yeah, things have been going well. The relationship is progressing at a pace that she and I seem to both be comfortable with. The distance between us (about an hour drive) is actually proving to be helpful right now. We can't rush things, which is nice. I will definitely keep you all posted on what happens. Oh and by the way, she's a great kisser. *wink*

Other than that, it's mainly just been me working at the movie theater a lot, and me sending out resumes a lot. I still have to finish my research, which is so close to being done. I've been reading a lot lately. I read this book called "Ishmael" by Daniel Quinn, which is a really interesting perspective on our society as well as some religious concepts. I'm reading a book on spiritual healing called "Essential Reiki" by Dianne Stein, which is really enlightening. I'm also reading a book by the Dalai Lama called "Stages of Meditation". Essentially I've been on my own spiritual journey lately. After seeing the documentary "What the bleep do we know", I've been on this quest. It's been very spiritually fulfilling, and that's great since I haven't felt in the right spiritual mind for a while.

I'm seeking something internally, and I think I'm finding it now, which is such a great feeling. After having my Christian faith ripped from me due to religious intolerance of difference years ago, I've felt rather lost. I think that was sadly necessary because it allowed me to see my own faults and my former faith from a new perspective. I saw the blindness, and the closed spirit I once had. It allowed me to grow, which I'm grateful for. We don't always get to see the faults of who we were and of the religion we followed. So it was really a blessing.

I'm finding that I'm now more of an amalgamation of things. I've retained some Christian concepts, but I view them differently now. I'm more of a buddhist than anything really. I guess perhaps the best way to describe me is spiritual. It's not about religion anymore for me. It's about finding the right path and the truths that are universal.

Anyway, enough about that. I've been doing a lot of me things, because I've needed to. I set a lot of stuff aside to figure some things out, and it's been great. I've finally started to feel like I can be productive again. I'll admit I set aside the TransLife updates because I needed it. I'm only now starting to look at what I can do for the site, which is daunting. We'll see if I can come up with something. The software out there isn't looking promising. I may have to either design something myself or pay for something....neither of which I have time for right now. Hopefully after I get a job things will change in that area.

I'm rambling, so I think I'm going to go. Thanks for tuning into Jessica's monthly update!! Tune in next time for another exciting episode. Hehe. See you all later.

Luv,
Jess

Currently Reading Stages of Meditation by The Dalai Lama

09/07/06: Jessica Lives!!!

Yes indeed...I do exist. What a hectic time it's been. I've been spending most of my time reading and writing...hence me not writing on here much. Kinda get sick of it after awhile. The research paper I'm working on will probably be around 50 to 60 pages long. Right now it's about 40 or so. That's actually kind of funny, because when I initially started writing this post, I said it was going to be a 30 page paper. I've covered the first two important sections: the history of gender and the current practices and perspectives on gender within several fields of study such as sociology, feminism / women's studies, psychology, and so on. I've also deconstructed a few important concepts related to gender. Since then I've also tackled a bit of the final two sections, which details the new viewpoint, definition, and the birth of the next movement. So I've had a lot of stress lately. This research is essentially an incredible responsibility.

I'm excited about it though. This research is huge! I really think that after it gets published, it's going to make the media. This is going to be a big deal. A new movement of this size hasn't been started in a long time. Plus, this is so core to humanity, and definitely to trans people. I can't really post too much more about it, because I want it to be a big grand unveiling when it gets published. I'm going to put it on here in the transcyclopedia when it's ready. Don't worry, I'll announce it.

Throw onto that research the fact that I had to move back in with my parents and you get a TON of stress. Though the move wasn't horrible, it was still a big move. Packing everything up and then unpacking everything after I got home. Then I get to figure out how I'm going to handle being in the same house as my parents. Don't get me wrong, I love them and they love me. It's not an issue of fighting or anything. It's just that my freedom is much diminished from what it used to be. I'm not used to having a strict dinner time and such. Plus, my schedule is quite the opposite from my parents. I'm rather nocturnal. I stay up until 4:00 am and then sleep until noon. They don't like that so much. I'm adjusting though.

OK...so job hunting. Not so much fun. I've been a bit concerned because I haven't had a whole lot of time to send resumes out. I have sent a couple, which is good. However, the response has been pretty nonexistent. I did my first follow up call, which went well. They remembered me very distinctly and thanked me for sending the very nice resume package. I had bought some really nice envelopes and folders to be all impressive. Yet they never called me for an interview. Their loss. I'm sending out at least 8 more resumes and such this week though.

Let's see...website news. I've designed a new logo and installed the new framework, which I need to spend some time on. Here's what the new logo looks like:

The glow is only a temporary glow. I'm going to be animating it with particle effects and motion of all sorts. It'll be cool. I'll keep everyone posted on the changes to the site as they develop.

Right now I feel kind of stagnant. I have several projects that I haven't finished. I feel like I'm getting nowhere on them. I think it's because I'm trying to divide my attention between them all. Plus, I keep distracting myself with second life, which is highly addictive. I've been sleeping a lot too, which is kind of my escape from my responsibilities. My dreams don't have me doing major research and such. It's a nice relief, however it's not helping the situation.

On a happy note, things with Jess...my long distance online relationship that I've bitched about a lot...have actually gotten a hundred times better. (Yes I believe this is the point in which the 2x4s will come out) Seriously though things have been fantastic. We're talking pretty much every night. There's a voiced committment, which is great. We're actually going to meet in person in about a month. I'm pretty nervous about that. It'll be interesting. So yeah, this is turning into not just an online relationship anymore. (Put the 2x4s away...geez) So far so good. Of course in any relationship there will be rough points, but if we got through the last stuff ok, I think we'll be able to get through the stuff ahead too.

I'm so close to finishing my latest series, I can taste it. I have one night of solid editing left. Then it's finally done. How cool is that? It's a lot of work though. I have to do a ton of special effects work as well as all the audio balancing, sudio effects, music, and yeah...lots. Perhaps I'll do it tonight after I finish my cover letters. Oh and by the way, I've discovered that the thing I hate most about applying for jobs...cover letters. I'd rather vomit on myself. Ah well...I better get to it. See ya soon.

Luv,
Jess

08/06/06: Busy Busy

Hey all,

Sorry I haven't posted much lately. I'm busy working on research and a series. I will post about it later in the week.

Luv,
Jess

07/09/06: Spend Money to Make Money

So I spent $25 on paper last week. Wait...correction, I spent $25 of credit money on paper last week. It was expensive paper. I got a whole 80 sheets. Yup, that's right...Jess bought resume paper. I do realize it's necessary to impress with a 100% cotton paper resume instead of your 20lbs recycled printer paper, but to me it's a bit ridiculous. Though...I do want a job. So I suffer though it. Besides...I'm in over 30 grand of school debt. What's another 25 bucks?

I spent a lot of time before the 4th on my resume. I think it's just about done finally. I've had the people at career services from campus look at it not once, but twice. I also had a friend head hunter person check it over and give me great suggestions (Thanks Austin, you rock). Now I just need to solidify my references (not a problem at all), and my portfolio (a lot of work).

The portfolio will take me an evening to do. I just have been putting it off...which is bad. I know what I want it to look like. I know what I want it to do, but I just have avoided doing it. I even have all the necessary video clips set to go. I spent two days converting video off of a former video project DVD too. I just need to sit down and do it. I've been wasting time too much.

Other than that, I had a great 4th. I went home to visit my parents. I took Meat (my cat... I usually call him Kitty, but since he sleeps in a box that has "Meat" on the side, my friends started calling him Meat. Seems to have stuck) home too. Sadly, when I put him in the kitty carrier, he apparently needed to go potty right then. I had no way of knowing that. So...he was whining a lot in the car. Suddenly...it smelled like poo. Then again an hour later...more poo smell. Then about 10 minutes from home...a kitty urine smell. I felt so bad. He was panting and drooling from holding it so much. Thankfully on the way back to my apartment, he had no trouble...slept most of the way.

The fireworks were great. I went to an art museum and took some pictures of the building. I visited with some great friends, Seth and his girlfriend, Hannah. I also hung out with another trans friend of mine. Her name is also Jessica. I know a lot of Jessicas. And of course, I spent time with my family. It was a great five days home. I don't think I've enjoyed my time at home as much as I did that weekend in a long time. It was great.

The time in the city did tell me something important too. I realized that I really really want to move away from where I live right now. I need a bigger city. I need the hustle and bustle. I need the energy of the larger area. I am not going to apply for the job that is open near where I live right now. I want to leave here. So at least that is settled.

Other than that stuff, I haven't been doing a whole lot. I recently started playing Metroid Prime. It's a fun game. I've had it for quite a while, and I just haven't played through it. I'm stuck right now fighting the Omega Pirate. He's a bitch to beat. Anyway...I've also been reading too. Still doing the research. I wasted my time with Middlesex. Though an interesting book and story, it just doesn't apply to the research. I'm going back to postmodern theory stuff to see where it goes.

I saw a couple movies too: Superman Returns, and Pirates 2. I'll review them later though. I gotta run now. A friend and I are about to run to the store. See ya.

Luv,
Jess

06/23/06: Ready to work

Well, I finished Fable today. That's a good thing. I felt the urge today to be productive, and that makes me happy. I think I've finally recovered from the school year and can get back to work. I've started work on a new TransLife look and such. I took a look at some Content Management Systems, and found one that I really like. I think we're going to switch over to it soon. I just have to figure out how to transfer all of the data on the site first. I'm even going to redesign the look and feel of the site as well. I'm thinking that it'll even include a new logo. So...yeah, major changes.

I also started working on my resume as well as a Demo dvd of my work. I will need to get some editing done on stuff to make sure I have some nice visuals on the disk. I want to wow people when I send the disk in for jobs. I also had someone send me a heads up on a job in the area I currently live in. I will apply for it even though I don't want to stay here. I'm also going to apply for a few others too. I need work, and I'm not going to sit on my thumbs relaxing anymore. It's time to get to it.

Luv,
Jess

06/22/06: Fable - ous

Tonight was a blast. I hung out with my new neighbor, Betsy, and her friends. We had a cookout and just sat and talked. It was really fun bonding with three other women. I've noticed that sometimes when I'm connecting with some really amazing women, I forget that I was once physically male. We talked about things ranging from relationships to music to the summer solstice. It was really fun. I wish I could have more nights like that.

Lately I'll admit that I've been spending waaaay too much time playing video games. I recently purchased Fable: The Lost Chapters, and I've been playing it like crazy. It's got a great plot and awesome gameplay. Sooo much fun. However....soooo addicting. Both my friend Dani and I are hooked. Tomorrow she and I are getting together to play our own Single player games together. How bad is that? I'm getting close to the end though. So hopefully my addiction will wane soon.

Other than that I've been reading Riki Wilchins Queer Theory Gender Theory which is blowing my mind. I had spent a little time discussing the affects of postmodernism in my classes...but we never actually discussed what postmodernism itself is. That's what this book is about. I've since discovered that I think in a postmodern form. I've actually argued with postmodern points before, but I didn't even realize it. This book is only 170 pages long, and it's changing my perceptions of the world. It's also changing my very identity. Now that I have latched on to the concept that language is the bane of existence and is oppressive in nature, I've accepted that the words "Man", "Woman", "Masculine", and "Feminine" don't mean anything. They don't make sense anymore. There is no "Man" in society or "Woman" as we as a culture have defined it. So...is there an adequate word that exists to define myself? I don't think there is.

I've also started changing how I word things. For example...gender is not a spectrum. I used to say that it is, and that Masculine and Feminine were the ends of the spectrum with each of us falling somewhere in the middle. That's not right. Not only does it not adequately represent what gender is, it's also reinforcing the gender binary. I think gender is more of a continuum. There are no endpoints, and everyone falls somewhere in the continuum. I think I'll call it the "G" continuum. I'd call it the "Q" continuum...but that doesn't work for two reasons. 1. There is no Q in gender, and 2. Star Trek already took that idea. Yes...I know I'm a nerd.

OK...enough postmodernism for now. I've started looking into jobs and am planning on applying for a few. I'm excited, but first I have to put together a demo DVD. I'm working on that. Plus, I have to perfect my resume. That's the goal for this week yet. Hopefully I wont be too distracted with Fable. In the meantime, I've also met up with a local photographer. He's been showing me the works, and I've been showing him how to use software. It's been a nice pairing. I have a whole bunch of pictures I want to post sometime soon. So...watch for those.

Love life news...the internet girl, Jessica, and I are still talking. It's frustrating because she doesn't communicate as much as I'd like. I still don't know how much I trust her, but that's ok. If it works out, it works out...if it doesn't...it doesn't. My life is in flux now, and I'm going to be moving soon anyway. Where ever I go there will be more dating opportunities than here by a long shot. So, I'm not that concerned. Thanks to those friends that have been concerned and have listened to my frustrations. You all rock.

I've been to the library a lot lately. I've been on a huge comic book kick. I have checked out trade paperback and hardcover bound comics just for the fun of it. I read all of Frank Miller's Batman stuff...the stuff that inspired both the recent Batman Begins and the 1989 Tim Burton films. I've also read some X-Men, Spiderman, and Daredevil. It's been interesting and fun. I've found some favorite artists and authors. Oh, and I purchased two copies of Wonder Woman #1...the new Wonder Woman series. I haven't read it yet, but it's very pretty. Let's see...video games, computers, comic books, and anime...all I need now is to start playing Dungeons and Dragons and my journey to the ultimate nerd side will be complete.

OH!! One last thing before I sign off for the night. I was called by GenderPAC this past Monday. They asked me if I'd be interested in doing an interview with Newsweek magazine. How cool is that? So I've contacted the reporter and am just waiting to hear back. We'll see what happens with that. The New York Times interview is still in the works too. Let me say that I feel like I have an agent. GenderPAC is awesome.  I'll keep you all posted on what happens. OK...I'm off. Bye for now.

Luv,
Jess

Currently Playing FABLE:LOST CHAPTERS by Microsoft

06/01/06: Frustration with the love life

I don't know why, but I continually get myself into online relationships. They never work out the way I want them to. I always manage to find the women that either claim they "don't have a cell phone", send me pictures and such claiming they are someone else, don't talk to me on a regular basis, want nothing but online sex, etc etc etc. I'm really sick of it.

I realize that there are real people I could talk to. However, given that I'm not living in a Metropolis, that's only half true. There are real people that I could meet and talk to, but this area is not fraught with sexy feminine women who also happen to like women. Most of the women here are very masculine. Plus, there's really only one place to go if you want to meet gay people, and that's the gay bar. And since smoking is allowed here, it's pretty gross there. So...the combination of lack of places to meet people, and lack of people to meet makes it incredibly difficult to date anyone in town. So logically Ms. Computer nerd guru turns to the same place she has already gotten her back stabbed several times...the net.

Lately I've been "seeing" this girl named Jessica...no not me. I'm not seeing myself. Yes I know it's weird that we have the same name. Yes I...shut up already. Stop rubbing it in...are you done now? Are you? ok...let me continue then. So yeah, she's from out of state and isn't doing well financially because of family issues. When I say "lately" I've been seeing her, really I mean like...six months off and on. We met a long time ago. She's been interested in me since. I've just been trying to avoid online relationships entirely. However, I decided to open up to her recently and have found myself very attracted to her.

Then, once I start getting a bit more serious...suddenly she disappears from the face of the planet. Our conversations have been intermittent before, but now it's all but ceased entirely. If there's one thing I've learned about myself lately, it's been that I really need to have communication between whoever I'm interested in and myself. Otherwise, especially with online situations, I start to question things. I start wondering what she's doing in all that time, if she's seeing someone else, if she's stringing me along, if all of it's bullshit. Safe to say, I don't fully trust her. I've never been given a show of faith though. So I don't really know if I should. Considering my past situations with online love, I have every reason not to.

So yeah...here I am again in a situation where I feel like I'm getting strung along and I don't know what to do. I hate it, and I wish I could tell her how I feel. Unfortunately she's never online to have a conversation with. So...I'll just sit here wallowing in my emotions and cursing the fact that I let myself get emotionally attached again. The next time I start mentioning online relationship sort of stuff, please someone smack me in the head with a 2x4 or something.

Luv,
Jess

05/27/06: COPS...whatcha gonna do?

So...3:00 am a couple of nights ago I had to call the cops. I live next to a bar, and a drunkard decided that my balcony, which is accessible from the street, was an excellent choice for his night's slumber. I wouldn't have noticed he was even there if it weren't for kitty. He was over by the window peeking out. So I peeked out too. I was a bit surprised. So I called the non-emergency number. I happen to live literally across the street from the cop shop. So it took them about 2 minutes to get here.

There was some interesting conversation going on between the cop and the drunkard, mainly coming from the drunkard. It involved him having 16 thousand dollars in his wallet...then five minutes later him having 2 thousand dollars in his wallet...et cetera et cetera. So it was pretty interesting. Eventually he finally got the point that he had to leave and headed home. The cop called me to tell me everything was clear and that the guy was told that he'd go to jail if he came back. What a fun and exciting life I live...

In other news, I've been designing a solid database for the new website. I've also been working on the background for my animated series. It'll be neat and I'm excited about both projects. For now though...tis dinner time. Write more later.

Luv,
Jess