Gabrielle's Diary

08/30/06: Good Morning... now where are my keys

Ok, so I haven't had a car since I left Wisconsin. I got in a wreck and totaled it, then lost my liscence and have finally got it back. So I am waiting to buy a car; for now I'm driving my grandparents Camry. So yea, I woke up this morning to leave from work and ran out and attempted to catch the bus. I realized when it got there that for one I had forgotten my keys, and for two I actually have a car to drive! I went back inside to grab my keys and lo and behold... the keys are missing. This, of course, sent me into a thorough ravinging of my house. I tore everything apart; can't ever be too careful. After about 15 minutes of looking I finally found them... in my pants pocket... the pants I was wearing! I'm so absent minded that I had actually grabbed the keys and tried to catch the bus. I'm just a goon! >_<

So I found the keys and drove by starshmucks coffee. Suggestion: Try the vanilla creme frappucino. It is amazing!

Ohh yea, and that brings me to my last part of this blog today. If anyone here fancies themselves a dream interpreter please feel free to explain.

I was sitting in a resturant in the mall with some friends and we were talking about a former girlfriend of mine which had died near where we were sitting in a robbery just about a year before. We were all talking about the past as though we were still there, and most of us were starting to cry. Now here's the weird part. The servers at the resturant were a little less than wholesome. The resturant had changed from what I think was an O'Charleys to some place with girls in lingerie. Anyway, we ordered our food, and one of the girls started to give a lap dance to an empty chair at our table... and worse she was talking to it... then suddenly I could see the girl that had died in that resturant and she was actually sitting in the chair! I have never felt so betrayed in my life (this is a dream! I didn't know you could feel emotions that strong... and whats worse, where did this come from?!) No one but the server and myself could see her, and my former lover ignored me even when I said hello.

So anyone have any ideas on that?! I'm totally lost here... No idea where it came from or what it means... I'm looking foward to you smart girls giving me some sort of an answer because it's been bothering me ever since I woke up, and I just can't shake the feeling that came with it. Anywayz... ^_^ later peoples!

Sincerely,

Shawn Gabrielle Spalding

08/14/06: Hello from Corporate America

Well I arrived at work today about 45 minutes early. I'm sooooo sleepy. >_< I want to go home, and my day hasn't even started yet. I suppose it's just because tomorrow is my day off and my last day working at Goodwill of Kentucky. Ahh well, life is still good and quiet. I suppose thats all I can ask for. For those of you that are also working... have a good day!

Shawn Gabrielle Spalding

08/06/06: Another Day At Work

Yep yep... so work is good... I've been dealing with people that have no idea what a computer is for over the past hour and a half today... It's incredible how many people will yell at you for something that is their own fault, and then when they realize it, they want some kind of credit for the exact same issue... worthless... ohh well.

So how is everyone here in the community? I hope you are all well. ^_^ Life on this end is, as always, a bit confusing here... gender dysphoria is a difficult thing to deal with when you can't indulge it... though sometimes I want to... its a shame, but what can ya do?

In other news my younger brother may be going to the little league world series!!! He is two games away though I don't know where or when those games are. I was promised tickets by my parents if he makes it so that is awesome at least... I hate baseball but I can't pass up an opportunity to watch him play... its something he loves.
Family is an important thing.

Well peoples... lunch is comming up soon, thanks be to the goddess... I'm starving!!! hehe Anywayz, talk to you peoples soon.

^_^

Shawn Gabrielle Spalding

Currently Listening Matter + Form by VNV Nation

07/31/06: Total Catch Up Story!!!!

Hi hi everyone ^_^ I haven't been around in almost a year now I believe... so yeah, it's been a long time. I still post here cause I'm friends with Jess and if you're reading this email me sometime ( jesuit@charter.net ) I haven't talked to you in forever ya goon :-P

So yeah, anyways... working hard these days with three jobs. I'm currently head of system's design at a very small roleplaying software company called Wolf Software. I am head of IT for the learning center at Goodwill Kentucky Corporate Offices, and I work as a High Speed Data Specialist for Charter Communications. That pretty much means that I have no time to myself at all... no time, no time >_<

Found out there there is a transgender coffee shop here in town, and it's actually on my street! I've been going there on my way to work in the morning throwing my extra money in their direction as I know every little bit helps and they assist the the housing and various needs of the transgender person in this area... too bad I decided to stay male... I might have actually had a good amount of help, but oh well... ^_^

Looks like I finally am going to get a promotion at Charter... I was emailed about a position openining in the Human Resources Department. It would mean that I was in charge of all first round interviews for both external to internal hires and internal to internal promotions and hires! It makes me proud to know that I'm really making it.

Oh, and Jess... you are never going to believe me but I haven't had a ciggerette in about 3 months!!! It's been a long time comming, and I still get cravings oddly enough even now, but I figure that I have busted my ass to get this far, I might as well keep going ya know!

Well... thats my current life in a nutshell... Later Later Peoples

Sincerely,

Shawn Gabrielle Spalding

03/01/06: And so it begins again.

You know... right when you think you have life figured out, you don't.  It's amazing.  I have been away from here for so long... I have attempted to surround myself with "positive" aspects... I have attempted to distract myself from some part of me that refuses to die.  Yes, I am transgendered, but what to do?  I have spend the majority of my years fighting it, and when I did give in and decide to do something about it, I failed miserably.  I have no real direction in which to turn.  Is there ever a waking from the dream. 

I think fear was my most motivating emotion to forget the past.  Fear was what drove me to hide again in the shadows.  I have found, however, that no matter what I do I always want to be something more.  I want to let Gabrielle shine, but I can't seem to let myself do that.  It's like some sort of fetish gone too far... something I can't control, from an attraction to the transgendered to being one myself.  I hate admitting that fact, but in the end I think that very fact is what has made me who I am today.  I am not proud to state that my facination with the process, the mental tibulations, the hell of it all before it comes to a "close" has driven me to want to endure it myself, but that is what I have become. 

What is left of me now?  I am Shawn, but I am Gabrielle... I dream as though I were female, but I live as though I were male.  I attempt to do the right thing, but I make the wrong decision in the end, and I am out of available options.  I know what I want, but the question is what can I have?  What, in this world, am I allowed to do before it comes crashing down around me?  What support will I recieve if I were to give Gabrielle another try, and what will happen to my mental state if I allow myself to walk back into the transgendered lifestyle?  These are all questions I have no answers to.  After living in nearly every state, moving back to where I started everything, and working hard to put back up my illusion I am succeeding.  I have a good job, I have a decent life, and I have ever single little thing I want except one thing... and I'm not sure anymore as to how valid that inner desire is.  Life is fickle, and I am merely its pawn in the hardest game of chess I have ever imagined.

Sincerely,

Shawn Spalding/Gabrielle Nicole

11/25/05: Wasting time

So it would seem that I have been wasting my time for years, and now it is catching up with me.  Rather, it has been catching up with me since I graduated high school, and I just haven't noticed it yet.  Sometimes I just don't see the point in doing what I do day in and day out.  I feel like I have nothing left to give to this world except mabye a biography, but I'm not sure what that would do. 

Its funny.  I keep getting all these wonderful reassurances and promises, but no one ever comes through.  I work my butt off to try and find something good about life, but all I can find is what I left behind.  Everywhere I have been I have made friends, I have had fun times, but its not what I want.  I miss life... or rather there is something missing from it.  Its rather debilitating. 

When someone tells you at a young age that you are meant for great things, and when you get older all you can do is prove them wrong over and over again, what do you do?  Where do you turn when the people you long for are so far away that nothing makes sense anymore, but you can't justify giving up?

I think that I am a true artist; not because I paint pictures of setting suns, or compose an unforgettable peice of music, but because the life I live takes me to such great points only followed by themost alone and cold moments that I can handle. 

I long for so many things... financial seurity, to get my head on straight, to find a career that I enjoy, to find a lifestyle that I fit into... and most of all... to find love.  Not just puppy love like I experience every single day, but I want to experience true love that doesn't die, doesn't waver, doesnt fade in the least bit unless it is only going to get stronger. 

Honestly, out of all the things I have done in my life, I have felt that once.  I know this because I still feel the ache of the hole that remains two years later.  I was in florida, and I met a girl by the name of Faridah Theresa Hekmat.  She was and is the prettiest, the sweetest, and honest girl I have come to know in all my time.  She is blunt, and quick to make a comeback.  She never fails to make someone smile.  For some reason, unknown to me now, I decided to leave her for a "better future".  All I see is a future that was a lot like the past and I can't keep running away from it.  I have to turn and face it head on with no regrets.  The only issue is, that I have one regret, and that is letting her go.  Oh Orlando, how I miss thee... and so I have made a resolution to find my way back there, before it is far too late, to show her that I know and understand my mistakes.  It might not be today, or tomorrow, or even next year, but I refuse to fail this bad.

Before high school, I had never done poorly at anything in my life.  I was always the best, and I was proud to be me for everything I was.  Now, I am broken, with no imminent future; no peace of mind.  I miss her, and I miss myself.  I miss the MAN I used to be.  What is left of all those tribulations is a broken and crying girl that wants nothing more than to be held, and so I cling to the nearest person just to find some comfort, always hoping that they will be like her.  No, I always hope that they will be her.  That they will touch me like she did, that they will hold me like she did, that they will sing to me like she did. 

I recall a day where I walked out of her bedroom, fed up with everything as usual, and there she was doing dishes.  All I could see was her back, but I felt my heart slide up into my throat.  I knew at that moment, three days before I was going to leave her and never see her again, that I loved her and it was already too late.  Now it is advised that she forget me by her psychiatrist, her family, and her friends... Hell, I would advise that too if I didn't miss her so badly.  It really is ironic, that they one thing in life that I wanted more than anything is the one thing I gave up and live to regret every single day. 

With this said, I am going to end this entry... I miss you Fari, I miss you so much...

Sincerely,

Gabrielle

10/27/05: Its been a while

Its been a while since I have been able to post anything here, so I have a lot to write about.  I have now become one of the many transgendered statistics.  I am involved with the adult entertainment industry.    its not fun, but its keeping me alive until I find something else.  Fortunatly I am able to get rid of the web site that I am on, as I own it.  I have finally admitted to all the things that I am.  I am now a professional Mistress, as in BDSM, for men that want to be female but don't have the "get go" to do it on their own.  I am teaching them how, and in return they pay my rent and make certain that my transition continues to run along smoothly.  I honestly hate my job.  I have a girlfriend that is also in the lifestyle, and we work together on most cases.  She is the submissive type, so lots of fun there.  We are hoping to find some form of normal work, so that we can quit our jobs.

I had an interview yesterday for a position at a hotel, and it seems very promising.  The only thing I have going against me is that I don't have a degree.  Basically I am going to hopefully become the administrative assistant to the director of sales for the Hilton Hotel here in town.  Its a gothic hotel built in the early 1900's, and it boasts a 5 star rating.  Quite impressive, if I do say so myself. 

I still don't have a car, since I wrecked it on my way home from up north.  There was nothing left.  I barely make enough to survive, but I think I should have a car before summer rolls up on us again.  Oh well, here's to hoping.

I had my 21st birthday in September, and it wasn't all that fun either.  I sat at a bar for 2 hours waiting for friends to arrive that never did.  So I eventually gave into the pressure from the bartenders and took their free shots.  I can't believe that I got that drunk alone.  It was horrible, and I have since stopped drinking alltogether.  I have also managed to finally quit smoking on a regular basis.  My voice has gone to hell in a hand basket thanks to the slow process of my lungs clearing out.  I sounds like a 42 year old smoking woman with a trachiotimy.  No fun there, let me assure you.  I have been coughing up black crap for the past 20 or so days.  I hope that my lungs and throat get cleared soon, cause its a bit unbearable.

Well... thats my life for the past forever and a day ago.  I haven't talked to Jessica in so long its kinda scary, so Jess if you're reading this, give me a hello.  I've missed ya.  At any rate.   TTYGL

Sincerely,

Mistress Gabrielle Nicole

09/27/05: dit dit dit dit boom boom boom boom, get a job

Well, I've been home for about two weeks, and I have been looking for work nearly every day.  it's crazy!  Everywhere I go into I seem to either be over-qualified or underqualified.  The problem is that I have ton's of secretarial experience, but I can't seem to remember how to use Excell or really even land an interview because I'm not female.  It's like you can only be a secretary if someone can look up your skirt while you are working, which I'm sure my boss would if I wore one to work, but somehow I don't think that they want me dressing within their southern professional environment.  It's a shame really, but there's not a whole lot I can do.

In other news, I have uncovered a new end to my sexuality.  I went home with a boy the other night that I met at a bar.  Who knows why I did it, but it happened.  His name is Xavier, and I think he's a little crazy.  Well... I lost where I was going with this entry, thanks to the roommates comming home.  Lata everyone.

Sincerely,

Nikki

09/14/05: Here's an update

     Sorry about the lack of info on my life as of recently.  I am back home in Louisville, KY.  I have moved in with my best friend Brett, and I just got a job; possibly two.  Things are going well again, despite past efforts to manhandle my life into failure.  It would seem as though I have passed my test of fate, and the goddess is taking a liking to me finally. 
     I find that life itself is not all that hard.  The only difficulty is hanging in there when you believe in something and want to get something done.  Trying as hard as you can really does pay off and I am most definatly happy now.  My transition is still going along smoothly, and I think that there is only more good to come of all of this.  I am making my preperations to deal with the difficulties that lie ahead, and though I do not know what they might be, I can always prepare from the ones I fear most. 
     I will do my best to keep all you junkies of my life updated  (ie... friends).  I will also do my best to call Rachel soon, so if you are reading this, leave me a comment as to when would be a good time to call cause I dont want to miss you while you are at work. 
     Until next time, keep your heads high girls, and never give up. 

Nikki

09/06/05: funness of sorts

its a rollercoaster from hell this life.  or something like
that.  I am going back home where I started to continue on with my
transition.  I'm hoping to be there for my birthday which is the
19th of this month.  I will be a happy or not so happy 21 this
year.  The good thing is I will be near good friends, which makes
me feel very secure.  I also found a job working for a
transgendered person's fashion line doing filing work.  I'm so
excited that I finally have a job I can be me at!  At any rate,
ttyl, cause its 3:30am here and I dont want to be awake anymore.

Nikki