Fiona's Diary

12/01/04: Memories

I'm having a really reminiscent day today. I think it started when I was doing some background research on TS comics online. I've done this before, mostly to be greeted with thousands of she-male porn sites that stuck comics into the entry, it was really making me depressed. But then today I found one called Venus Envy and I couldn't stop reading it. On a very fundimental level it was like reading my life in print, but it also served as a catalyst for the flood of memories. Some of them were good, some were tinged with sadness, but it made me feel connected in a way I haven't been lately. Its also inspiring me to get off my ass and start drawing again. I dunno, its just kind of weird for me because I've been trying to do something along the lines of this comic for awhile now but I kept getting either swamped with work or else lazy.... In any case, I have other ideas I want to do mostly because I felt really alienated transitioning when I did at the age I did. And it would have been cool when I was younger had they had comics starring young TS girls for me since I had no one really to identify with at the time seeing as all the TS's I knew were much much older. Of course most of the time I was considering all of this was during the late 80's through the mid 90's so I recall youth TS's being a somewhat new thing for people. I remember serving in fact when I was in my early 20's as a liazon to the youth trans community of which I was one of two that I knew of... only to be more or less completely ignored by the older TS's and this one gay man who seemed more interested in a gay agenda and only had me on board to make the fledgling youth organization look like it was all spectrum like. Yay tokenism. I was really revolted by much of it and felt really helpless that I had no voice no matter how much I yelled to be heard. I figured the best I could do was leave and refuse to be a token, but I felt that I betrayed others like myself by doing so... at the same time though, I felt legitimizing the GLBT group while they utterly ignored me and my concerns for how to help youth TS's, wasn't going to help either. I dunno, I think this is probably why I've stayed away from gender politics for so long, was just getting too distasteful for me and I didn't know what I could do to help if everyone was turning a deaf ear to my concerns. Anyways, that was a lot longer than I was expecting.

I think right now I'm just happy that I'm going to New York for the holidays to see my ex-girlfriend. Not that we were exactly a couple for very long because I ended up moving shortly after we met, but we're still pretty good friends. That and I think she has to be one of the coolest girls I know (even though she claims she's a big dork). Anyways... I figured you know I'd try and balance out the last entry which was admittedly after quite a lot of emotional heartache, but still. In retrospect, even if my day to day concerns no longer tend to focus on being outted, theres still a lingering if albiet numb pain that occasionally rears its ugly head and swallows me in this gothy misery. Thankfully the fact that I'm getting A's in both my classes and going to New York to see all my east coast friends again, all of whom have got to be the coolest people when it comes to my being who I am, has made me too happy right now to care. If I feel anythign right now its a happy thought that even if I'm not done on the journey I've accomplished a lot still and theres still much good I can do for the world, or at the very least for others like myself. Being alone sucks though, and Tucson is a weird place sometimes. Not entirely sure I feel comfortable here, but its getting better. Just wish I had more girlfriends to hangout with. Most of the girls I've met here so far have been so vapid and clique. I miss the east coast sometimes.

11/19/04: Falling

I was originally going to predicate much of what i have to write with the comment that I hope no one reads this, but I don't know... I just have nowhere else to say what I feel right now. So I'm going to say it here...

I don't want to be here anymore. I feel like in a lot of ways that the only reason I don't kill myself is because I feel a responsibility to the people around me. Not because I really think any of them would necessarily miss me or care, but more because the shock of my death, any death, would be hard for them to bear. Especially with the majority of people around me who are incapable of facing their own death and would be terrified to be forced to look at it directly.

This is not a plea for help though, and I have no intention of killing myself, nor would I expect anyone here to really have any opinion on it one way or another seeing as well, I'm new, and I know this is somewhat a lot to dump on a bunch of strangers, so I just want to say that I'm writing this mostly for me, to get it out because well, I can't say it anywhere else . I'm not trying to get attention, in fact, if no one reads this, so much the better, but damnit I'm tired of being silent all the time IRL.

I'm not really even sure where to begin though. Really all I know is I'm tired of being miserable all the time. Theres not much really any therapist coudl tell me that I don't already know. I've studyed psychology, pharmacology, theology, and even the esoteric. So far nothing has helped, and really all I think I need is a hug. A simple hug from someone who actually cares about me, not because I'm me, but because I'm human. I've met a number of people throughout my life who have inspired me to want to reciprocate these feelings even despite the reaction most people have to me, but they are few and fleeting. I've always been there for my friends, I've saved so many people from depths of suicide, self destruction, and death, and yet very few if any actually take the time to actually listen to me when I'm upset instead of simply pathologizing my behavior as a way of avoiding the issue of having to care. I realize nothing in this reality is ideal, and that there are plenty of people worse than me, and ultimately that makes me want to care about other people and to feel compassion. I'm not entirely selfless and I'm not a saint, but I do try and like any human I need to feel love.

I'm surrounded by people who con, cheat, lie and otherwise disrepute their character simply to screw people all under the auspices of love. But where does that leave the people when they eventually get tired of them? I'm usually the one who has to pick up the pieces of their life, show compassion towards them, only to watch them cling to the next asshole who decides to pretend to be nice simply to get laid. And I am aware of the fact also that to be selfless and trully compassionate you cannot expect anything in return. But what about me? I'm as much a part of the tapestry as everyone else.

I know I'm being selfish, and I don't expect any sympathy from anyone for feeling the way I do. But pain is pain, and ultimately I don't blame anyone for it, but still its ruined nearly every aspect of my life. I just can't seem to cope with all the betrayals, abuse, and indifference. An entire lifetime of it, and very little of it ever deserved. Usually I end up at the beating end of a stick from people because of their insecurities and fears, and instead of listening to what I have to say, giving into their fears and finding it simpler simply to blame me for what was ultimately their own doing. I'm being specifically vague, mostly because there would be too many examples to list, and partly because I don't want to dredge up the past. But in any case, even when I've stood up for myself, it doesn't help when all you friends abandon you to chase some fantasy that will ultimately make them miserable.

I don't know... really, I know the world is screwed up, and it'll never be ideal simply because thats the way it is.... but all I really want is a hug. Just a hug, not sex, nothing peverted as everyone seems to assume because of my situation, just a fucking hug because I'm a human being.

I'm sorry for this for anyone who might read this and be offended, or decide that I'm a waste of time because I'm so miserable and should be left to die so they can pursue happiness. So much the better, I hope everyone the best, even those whom I've not met yet. I wish you all happiness and love... its somethign we all deserve, even if its not the reality for all of us... I wish it was though.

Drunk and depressed,
-Fiona

PS Sorry again.

11/14/04: Newbie Awakens

I don't really know where to begin so I suppose I'll start with an introduction.

I'm a 27 year old pre-op (thought leaning towards non-op at this point due to financial reasons ) TS girl. I don't really know what else to add to that, I'm studying piano at my university, I write, I draw, occasionally film. I suppose the easiest way to describe me would be an artist with no particular affinity or allegiance. I kind of just go where my instincts take me, wherever that might be.

I've had a lot of pain in my life, and while outwardly my life is going much better than it used to, I still have a lot of things to get over still. I was reminded of that yesterday in fact when I was suffering severe insomnia that almost kept me up for 3 days straight. Not many people really know what its like to have gone through what I have, at least in its entirety, so I tend to be fairly reserved. My life was kind of crazy for a time (almost a decade now) starting with when I told my parents about my issue. It didn't go so well and I've been more or less on my own since then. It wasn't all bad I suppose, for a period of almost 4 years, I was with someone who was beyond patient with my emotional collapses and helped to prop me up emotionally so I could stand up to the world again. Thats all ended now though, and I'm wondering if there really is anyone out there who can really understand me, and why I am the way I am. I think most peoples instincts when they see a quiet and passionless person is to assume serial killer, but I've never intentionally hurt anyone in my life. Really it just comes down to having so much pain inside, and knowing peoples unwillingness to be able to tolerate that level and having to use every mental reserve at my disposal to keep myself from screaming (at my memories, not other people)

Anyways, I'm still a little frazzled from last night, my body doesn't seem to cope with not sleeping as well as it used to. But in any case, I just wanted to say hi to anyone who might read this. I have so much to say, and very little voice left in which to say it, perhaps it'll be easier in an online forum. Who knows. In any case, cya.