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12/20/05: I am on my way home from Bangkok
Well, my wife and I just landed in Osaka on our return flight from Bangkok and are waiting for our connection to Dallas then on to Baltimore to see our wonderful little daughter whom we have both missed insanely. I have to say that I am in a very down mood today as I am feeling negative about the FFS surgery and that somehow it was a failure. That is me miss positive attitude (yeah right). One of these days I will hopefully be abelto be miss Mary sunshine but it looks as if our President will become intelligent before that happens. I still have swelling in th anose aresa and forehead area as well as around my trachea but I was dissapointed that due to circumstances I had to wait on my upper lip area.
We will do that when I go back to Dr. Chettawut for SRS which I plan on doing as his cost is good and his care and compassion is wonderful. I wish I didn't have to go so far away but the cost of the United States doctors is a bit prohibitive. Oh well, it is another 3 week trip to Thailand, yeah (gosh it is a longtime to be away from home). We will be home now for Christmas and that will be fun but I am nervous as some lovely jerk that knows my wife and I has decided that it is their duty to tell people about my situation whom we do not have contact with. This will be fun to deal with and I am a bit ticked off.
Otherwise I am planning on getting my Haircut on Wednesday and was going to get highlights but with the forehead advance still healing the Doctor wants me to wait a month or so before putting chemicals in the area of the cut which goes from ear to ear and is now all scabbed up which is fun for me. Additionally, I am planning on submitting my name change stuff with the name of Jennifer Erin then proceeding with the other name change stuff once that is complete. Well, that is about it for now as I am tired of typing. Hopefully, everone has wonderful Holiday Season. Yes, Holiday Season rather than just one holiday over another. Why can't society understand that noth everyone is the same and embrace diversity. Oh, my goodness that is a totally other soap box for me to scream from for another day. Until then, HAPPY HOLIDAYS........................
Erin
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12/20/05: Update from Thailand
Well, my surgery is completed the bandages are on and I am out of Vibraham Hospital and recuperating at the Royal Princess Srinakarin hotel. I have yet to see the actual results as there is still swelling and such but I have to say that Dr. Chettawut is awesome. His assistant Tair and the staff at Vibraham hospital have made my procedures very comfortable. Tair picked us up at the airport and made sure that we got checked into the hotel and then has taken us to the consult with Dr. Chettawut and to and from the hospital. She is so kind that she puts you immediately at ease with everything and she is there to explain anything that you might not understand.
The staff at the hospital was great and attended to every need aptly. The Dr’s. assistant was so nice as to be by my side as I went under anesthesia which made me feel very comfortable. I was very scared as I have never had surgery prior to this and started to cry once I left my wife in my room on the way to the operating room. Additionally there was a nurse with glasses that I do not know that rubbed my head and wiped my tears as she told me it would be all right. These actions made the situation that much better as though I was scared I did not have any desire to not do what I was doing. I just hope that they know how much I appreciate them for what they did for me. They will forever be in my thoughts.
Dr. Chettwaut is super nice and very caring as he listens to everything that you have to say as well as any questions you may have about the procedures. His main feelings are about you the patient and that is what makes the situation easier. As for the actual surgery I did not see the doctor because I was under the anesthesia pretty quick. My recovery far has been great with only swelling from the forehead contouring, bone shaving, brow lift, trachea shave, feminizing rhinoplasty, and hairline reduction. I did get sick from the anesthesia but I am very sensitive to those drugs thus I was not surprised. The best part was that this did not last long as Dr. Chettawut prescribed anti-nausea meds in my IV that made me feel much better.
All in all the surgery has gone great and I am due to have the bandages and stitches removed in a few days as I prepare to go home on 12/20/05. The Dr., his staff and the hospital staff are the best and I am that much more confident to return for my SRS surgery with Dr. Chettawut. If anyone out there is thinking about making the long trip to Bangkok for FFS or SRS check out Dr. Chettawut as he is great. If you want to know more about my trip or my procedures please feel free to respond with a question or email me and I will reply. Still learning to be me but the bus is on the road.
Love ya all,
Erin
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12/20/05: An Email from Osaka
An email in Osaka
Well I arrived in Osaka for our connecting point to Bangkok and upon hooking up to the internet I received a message from my one sister who made my day. The message is below and I am definitely touched by the verse. I have to say that her sending this message has brought tears to my eyes and I will hold on to this message forever and not keep it in a closet as she mentions.
"I happened to come across this verse in the card store on a plague. I wasn't looking for it, it actually found me. I bought it. I want you to hang it in your house somewhere even if it is in the closet! I am going to type the verse to you. I want you to carry these words with you always!
FOLLOW YOUR DESTINY WHEREVER IT LEADS YOU...
There comes a time in your LIFE when you realize that if you stand still, you will remain at that point forever. You realize that if you fall and stay down, life will pass you by.
Life's circumstances are not always what you may WISH them to be. You may at times be led in directions that you never imagined, dreamed, or designed. Yet if you never put any effort into choosing a path or attempting your DREAM, then perhaps you would have no direction at all.
Rather than wondering about or questioning the DIRECTION your life has taken, accept the fact that there is a path before you now. Shake off the "why's" and "what if's", and rid your self of confusion.
Whatever "was" is in the past. Whatever "is", is what's important. The past is a brief relection. The FUTURE is yet to be realized. Today is here.
Walk your path one step at a time- with COURAGE, faith, and determination. Keep your head up, and cast your dreams to the stars. Soon a path that you never imagined will become the most comfortable direction for you to follow.
Keep your belief in yourself and walk into your new JOURNEY. You will find it magnificent, spectacular, and beyond your wildest imaginings.
Remember, I will always LOVE YOU. My prayers are with you two when you are this far away. Please take care of each other! Look forwarding to seeing you both when you get back."
All my love!
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11/30/05: Leaving on a jet plane
Well, I leave for Thailand in just over 24 hours with my best friend by my side and I take another step on the road of transition which is the biggest and most dramatic decision of my life. The crazy part is that I have managed to keep my best friend and have a support system that has been so wonderful. My friends and family (I have only encountered a small few who have issues with my GID) have been so supportive and have made statements in regards to how much happier and content I am since I came out. This to me is amazing and I am immensely thankful for the friends and family that I have as that is what makes my life rich and worth living. Life for me is finally to the point where I do not want to die every single day of life.
I want to thank all of those in my life as well as on this board (you know who you are) who have helped me with you words as they mean so much and have made me realize that I am not alone in this giant world. Thank you so very much from the bottom of my heart. Life is worth living and I have seen that over this past year more than ever before. I just hope and pray that I can improve those things around me that still bring me pain. Thailand is one of the steps that I need to take and going roughly 9,000 miles away will be scary but if life isn’t scary than I am not living it…………
Erin
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11/13/05: I scheduled FFS - Yay :)
My wife has been great with everything as always but I know she is nervous as well. This process is nerve wracking enough for me and I know it can be for her as well. I just really appreciate all that she does to help facilitate the entire process for me. The surgery date is right in the middle of my semester so I will now need to figure all of that out but I guess you take a date when you can get one. Plus we are going away in January to Moorea and I want to hopefully go totally in fem mode. I need to worry about first things first though so I will just take it one day at time.
Erin
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10/24/05: Another Birthday is Over
Love ya,
Erin
I want to take a moment for my first time and comment on Erin's response (This may come across that Erin is responding to her own response becauseI am not sure I am doing this right:>:> 
. This is her wife and I want to first start off by sending her a HUGE HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY FROM YOUR LITTLE ONE AND YOUR BEST FRIEND AND COMPANION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Birthdays have never been Erin's thing but I hope now that she is on the transition road that her birthday can become one that she looks forward to in order to celebrate life. Transition is full of its ups and downs but in the end, finding out who you are and being true to yourself is an experience many of us can't say we have experienced. I give each and every one of you credit for enduring the struggles and stressors that come with this process. As Erin put in her post, transitioning is not something each of you just woke up and said that you wanted to do just for the heck of it.
I can see the positive changes in Erin and for that I know she is on the right path of happiness. We have a lot to do to finish her transition but knowing we can do it together is the best part.
This message is just to send out a big I LOVE YOU and HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the wonderful person she is.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ERIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Currently Listening Fever by Kylie Minogue, Kylie Minogue |
10/20/05: People Please.....
Well, I am the lucky one that gets to call a friend of mine and speak with them about the entire GID issue. Ha, ha, I am not looking forward to this at all and actually it really kind of irks me anyway as she has given me this whole judgmental response when she was first told. Now she wants to do a phone call to discuss the whole issue. What I am supposed to discuss, the issues that she somehow thinks that I am mentally ill as she put it? Why on earth would someone choose the path that I have if I am not mentally ill seems to be the conclusion of anyone who does not agree with my life. Between that response and the usual issue of how God or Jesus would feel in regards to me I do not know which one drives me more toward frustration.
Yeah, I woke up one morning and decided to uproot my entire family life and switch genders because I was bored or some kind of mental case. Whatever, I am so sick of the crock of crap people throw at others when they do not understand something. Take the time to understand me and others rather than passing judgment and maybe you should look inward first. We would all be better off in this world if people made strides toward understanding rather than pushing others around.
So, this is my mood right now and I am sure that tomorrow morning will be fun. I guess I will find out when I speak to her but I will not beg for some kind of forgiveness for something I have not done wrong. I am just an individual who is trying to survive and achieve some sort of resolution to a gender issue I have dealt with my entire life. This transition is hard to say the least but it is also freeing to me as I am finally able to be truthful to myself.
Erin
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Currently Listening The Sound of White by Missy Higgins |
10/19/05: October drives me crazy
He plays like he cares but knows absolutely nothing about who I am and what makes me tick inside. He grasps none of the realization about who I am and what he has done to make my life so bad at times. He has been the main issue in the reason of my self esteem toward who I am and my gender issues. It is him that made me bury all feelings of my gender by what he said and did to me when I was a child. The issue is that he will never admit to anything nor will he ever say he is sorry and that is what I am trying work through at this point in my life. In addition he, not surprisingly, wants to know nothing about my whole transition and the whole issue is left as if it doesn’t exist at all. I am left to only assume that he does not want me to proceed with the process. I am basically sure of this point as he always ridiculed me whenever I did the less than manly things during my youth. Some things never change……
On another note I am battling my feelings about spending money on myself and how that always has made me feel guilty. The issue of FFS has gotten me to feel this way right now. Fortunately my wife is so very supportive, more than I deserve at times, and is backing the idea of FFS. She sat down and we figured out the budget to cover it but I still feel bad to spend the money in conjunction to the funds we have already spent on transition such as hair removal, therapy, meds, etc. This of course is even before we pay for the SRS down the road. Transition is so expensive and it drives me so crazy that insurance wants nothing to do with any sort of help. I am now waiting to figure out what surgeon I will go to for the FFS and when I will do it.
I would love to do the surgery before our trip in January but we are running out of time for the actual procedure and healing before than. I was hoping to go on the trip with some sort of congruency but it looks more and more like I will have to wait until the spring for the surgery. That is ok because it will still get done but the trip is providing me a great deal of grief for the time being. I am so looking forward to it as we had such a great time last time we went to Moorea but I am worried that I won’t be to as a guy or a girl and that means I will be sitting by the pool in as much clothing needed to cover me up.
Time will only tell I guess on how these issues will be resolved. I am doing my level headed best to give the time the entire process needs. I realize 100% that I am actually very early on in this process and that it takes time but I have never felt any congruency with who I was and this has given me at least a start on reaching that achievement. Good things come to those who have patience is the quote my mother always used but what I want to know is where I can go to buy some of this thing called patience.
Erin
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Currently Listening The Sound of White by Missy Higgins |
10/14/05: Passing
On top of everything, I am still down from the laser session this week. It was my fourth and each time I feel like crap afterwards until the hair completes its falling out. It is so impossible to shave the black hair as it is all thick and burnt from the laser. My black hair is almost gone and stays gone except for a few patches that are being crazy stubborn. They should go away with the ones that will fall out from this session and then the others on the next session. At least I hope so. With my white hair I will have to get electro but at least you can’t see those and I do not have to worry about shaving those everyday as they grow so slow.
On another issue, I got another consult on FFS today. I do not really want to go to Thailand as it is too far away and I am shaky about getting surgery so far away. The crap is good but it sure is expensive. Transition is expensive but it is the one thing that has put me in touch with who I am inside. Life and my gender have been an interesting situation to say the least but I am happy, so very happy that I am able to finally be who I have been inside for all this time. I just wish that I could get by the situation of passing. I haven’t been on hormones that long and while they do not change everything they do change something’s. I know I will need to do the trach shave and I need to get my nose done to correct my deviated septum but I may as well get my nose done than as well.
My consult stated to get other things done but I do not know where I will come up with that kind of cash during transition and do I really need them done anyway??? I am just looking to rid myself of the more masculine features such as my Adam’s apple and my nose that I have always hated. Arrrggghhh, why can’t life not be so controlled by money???? We will see what they come back with in a revised quote and what I get from other places. In addition, I will see how it goes with the situation this weekend and just dealing with this as best as I can as they come along. At least this weekend it is supposed to finally get sunny after ten days of clouds and rain, so that is good.
Happiness to all,
Erin
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Currently Listening The Sound of White by Missy Higgins |
10/12/05: National Coming Out Day - - -
The issue of national coming out day is one that I think is good in that it brings some welcomed attention to the stories of people within the LGBT community. Basically though, I see everyday since I came out as a "Coming Out Day" as this is something that I will always being doing in some way or another. At least until the world can accept people for who they are. That should happen any day now, right????? Ha, Ha, Ha. Until then the issue of coming out will always be a cleansing experience for those who are in the closet and an educational experience for those who live in the so called mainstream of society. What is mainstream? I think that is subjective. If you were a member of the Taliban, the leadership of the Catholic Church, or many other so called mainstream groups than being an ignorant jerk is mainstream.
I have to say that since I have come out to those close to me I have felt incredibly better about who I am and my life as a whole. I admit that there are those who do not know that I am trans or have any real idea of what I am currently doing but these people have not but told because they could adversely effect my life and thus I will wait until the right time to come out. It is definitely not that I am afraid of what they will think because I really do not care but I do have to worry about what they might do to me, my wife, or my daughter and for that I have waited. It would be so much easier to just come out but we are looking to move soon and I figure it is none of their business anyway so why bother.
I was reading a few of the articles today regarding "National Coming Out Day" and a great majority of these articles cite groups that only really reference the LGB of LGBT and then one even went so far as to mention an example where a MTF trans was told that they could not possibly be a lesbian or gay because they are not a woman or a man. What a crock of crap. You would figure that the LBGT community could understand what it is to be accepting but sadly ignorance and stupidity exists everywhere. Heck we are a country led by ignorance. In my opinion if you are MTF and want to be with women than you are a lesbian and if you are a FTM and want to be with men than you are gay, etc. Isn’t it about what gender you identify with? In the larger scope though they are just goofy labels and they want to put everyone into a box of which I do not believe human beings can exist in without spreading ignorance and hate.
Well, I know that I have been rambling. I have been doing that a lot lately :~. In the basic issue of things I wanted to recognize "National Coming Out Day" in that my own coming out has led to a great sense of well being in my own life and I am thankful for that everyday. I am finally being true to who I am and that is so rewarding. Life is good when you are honest with yourself even if it seems like it will be too painful to get through.
Erin
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