Weblog
10/26/05: Cinderella at the Ball!!
This past Saturday, Angel and I attended the Gala Fundraiser Ball
for The Network / La Red, a group that provides support and services
for women domestic abuse victims in the L/B/T community. It was for a
good cause, and was cause for me to splurge on a gown. This was just a
ball, but for me, it was all my proms and military balls I'd been to in
previous years wrapped up into one. It was like trying to make up for
all those times I wore a yucky tuxedo / military dress uniform. I got
to wear a ballgown this time! Before, I would sit at those events so
depressed because I was jealous of the other girls. I don't need a $250
gown to express my femininity, but God damned, I was this one time! I
went all out, with the poufy ballgown, opera length gloves, and shawl.
It was an adventure trying to maneuver in that gown. It had a train!
And it's mostly white, so I definitely felt like a bride getting in and
out of the cab, with Angel holding my train for me. We had a lovely
time, Kate Bornstein performed and she was amazing! Even danced a few
songs with Angel. And I didn't trip!
Went around work today showing all the girls, it was so much girly fun
chatting up about the dress and how I looked. And yes, I for the first
time see a female looking back in those pictures. And I did my own hair
and makeup, so I'm getting better. Poor Angel, her up-do was so tight,
it bothered her all evening, and it turned out the elastics pulled at
the roots so much they bled! That is Beauty = Pain for sure. Sorry hun,
if it makes you feel better, you were by far the prettiest girl there
Thanks for making my night out as Cinderella so wonderful!
Here are the pics...
http://livejournal.com/users/dale62676/
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10/15/05: The whole name change thing..or...What's in a name?
I don't think there ever was a time in planning my transition that I
considered not keeping my first name given at birth. My birth
certificate says "Dale Shawn Edwards", and while who really knows what
thought our parent/s put into naming us, something about Dale really
stuck with me growing up. Very early on, I associated myself with
possibly the best cartoon character ever created, Dale, of the Disney
Chip'n'Dale chipmunks. I mean, c'mon, big red nose, messy hair, two
buck teeth (Chip has a small black nose, no messy hair, and one buck
tooth....boring!) And best of all, Dale was always the one instigating
things.
Ok, reading a little too much into the cartoon thing, but what it did
for me, was allow me in front of my parents do a very non-boy-like
thing. I'd liked Chip'n'Dale. And Mickey. And well, all of them, so
much that I collected the stuffed/plush toys you could buy at Disney
World (and later the Disney stores). All through elementary and junior
high, my bed was covered with these "stuffed animals". Even in high
school I kept my favorite Chip'n'Dales by my pillow. Now replace
"stuffed animal" with "doll". Which is what they were to me. I didn't
have Barbies, I had these. I know, I know, a Barbie doll does not make
a healthy girlhood, but when I was only given GI Joes, Transformers,
space toys, construction toys, war toys, this was my only outlet
without overtly asking for something more feminine. I easily knew by 5
years old what was sissy for boys to play with. If I'm lucky to adopt
children someday, I'll strive to raise them gender neutral, but alas,
my parents were schooled in the "Don't let your son become a fag, give
him a tonka truck!" child-rearing.
I don't blame them, it was just the assumed boys=blue, girls=pink
mentality that overarched their idea of properly raising a little boy.
They did an excellent job of feeding my creative (and gender neutral)
outlets, and I turned to drawing and music like nothing else. But back
to Dale and company, they served as my dolls. I play-acted with them
when no one was watching, acting out my girl dreams and wishes onto
them. And so, as I grew to question my gender even more, I found solace
that my name was both a male and female name. When first on the
internet, I picked a few outright girl names for protection only. My
first summer job at Boston University I had a female boss whose name
was Dale. I liked my name being unique...unique easily defined as not
being available on those name key-ring displays at stores, I can never
find Dale on those!
So, I've been seriously planning this transition for over 2 years now.
I knew I was not going to keep Shawn. Everyone I know hates that
spelling of the name. My plan was to ask my mom (when we were finally
able to talk about such things, as it was very hard to even mention the
word "transition" over the last 5 years) what female name she had
picked for me at my birth. I finally had that conversation with her 2
weeks ago. At first, she forgot, and I was like...Nooooooooo! I need to
know. I was also worried it would be something hideous, like Flo or
Gertrude. But then she remembered Amanda. And right away she remembered
that a really rotten girl lived across the street from them named
Amanda and I probably wouldn't have been given that name. And so if I
was born female, who knows what they would have actually named me.
But before I could get depressed, she said, "Well, you could take
Marie, my middle name." My heart melted. My mother, who at the worst
point of my coming-out said such vile and horrible things to me I
honestly thought I lost my family, had made such a wonderful
suggestion. And Dale Marie sounds good too, I really like it. I don't
feel like I'm losing anything from dropping Dale Shawn. I feel like I'm
gaining everything by becoming Dale Marie. In a word, complete. That
scared little kid, who almost killed herself at 10 years old because
she didn't want to shame her family for being a freak, who quietly
played with Disney dolls and dressup in mom's clothes, who dated girls
just so no one would suspect, who joined the military to prove an ultimately false 'manhood'...that little girl, is now free to become a woman.
Complete. And that is what's in a name.
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Currently Reading Pride and Prejudice (Penguin Classics) by Jane Austen, Vivien Jones, Tony Tanner |
10/08/05: My "Going Fulltime" Story....
So here it is...
The one thing in my transition I've been the most anxious about was
taking this step, to finally live in the female gender role, all the
time, 24/7, and most frightening, at work. I did all the research I
could on how other people's transition to going fulltime went, but was
often asking, "yeah, but how...how did you inform HR, your boss, how
did you break the news to co-workers, and how was the adjustment
overall"
So I'm going to throw my story out there for all to read, AND WITH
PICTURES OF MY FIRST DAY!! Yes, everyone loves pics
Sorry if this is long, trying to compress the last 2 weeks into one entry
With the wonderful help of my gender therapist, Diane Ellaborn, I began
the process of coming out at work in June. By June, I was completely
living as a female, except only at work. And there I was going fairly
androgynous. As I work in a research lab at Brigham and Women's
Hospital, I often wore scrubs anyway. Ahhh, scrubs, it's like wearing
pajamas to work!
The hospital has an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) and the counselor
I met there said the best thing I could hope for, "I don't know
anything about this, but I want to so that I can help you." She put me
in touch with my Human Resources generalist, and when I met with her,
the response was amazingly supportive. She knew I was coming, and had a
copy of the HRC's Transgender in the Workplace publication. We decided
to inform my 2 direct supervisors, both Doctors, in a private meeting,
with the HR rep there to assist me. I had my bosses read my coming-out
letter, and then we discussed it. Wow, I sat there while they read it,
thinking of how long I've waited to do this, how carefully I tried to
prepare this letter, and now it was out of my hands, the cat was out of
the bag! I waited 29 years to finally take this step, and good or bad,
I was going to go through with it.
Again, they admitted not to know anything about this, but pledged
their support as I went forward. This was Tuesday, 9/27. I then planned
on informing everyone else I know at the hospital on Thursday in group
meetings, take Friday off, and come back Monday, October 3rd, my first
day of fulltime!
There were 2 meetings on Thursday for me to announce this to the people
I work with. I again passed out the letter, let them read it for a bit,
and then had my bosses say a word, as well as the HR rep, and then
me. Everyone looking at me. Trying to explain this, something that I
tried so desperately for so long of my life to hide. I had goosebumps
as I talked. Then came some replies. My two close friends I work with
(who have known for a while), said they were almost going to cry. It
was so wonderful. People I hardly even know spoke up and said they were
sorry I had to suffer so long (especially being in the military for 8
years) and that they would completely support me. I was lucky in their
response, and also being able to tell most of them in person, it was
nerve-wracking, but it helped so much for them to hear from me
directly. Everyone else was sent the letter in email after the meeting,
and the email replies I received were just as wonderful. Granted, I
work in an OB/GYN Epidemiology/Oncology lab with mostly women
colleagues. One woman replied, "Welcome to the wonderful world of
womanhood." I was so happy. After the meeting, I just looked at Angel
and we hugged for the longest time. Without your support and
understanding Angel, I wouldn't have gotten to this point! I love you!
I took Friday off for my "Day of Beauty" and had my hair done at a
Newbury St. salon. The stylist gave me free highlights, she was so
excited for my transition! And then I had my ears pierced finally.
Actually, I was calling it my "Day of Pain" as I had my double-pass
laser session done earlier in the morning. My entire face was bright
pink for a few hours, uggghh. Beauty = Pain. Pain = Beauty. No kidding.
I also ended up spending $350 at Ann Taylor Loft. I wondered if they
would be willing to sponsor my transition if I agreed to only wear
their clothes, LOL.
Monday came, and I first realized my "Blue Mondays" were over!
When at the meeting my boss asked in front of everyone about how can
they help me, and I replied by saying they should just go about as
business as usual. And that's what happened, it was the biggest
non-issue. We have single stall bathrooms, and I'm keeping my first
name, so everyone used my name instead of pronouns, but there were only
a few slipups. (I'm taking my mom's middle name, and I'm doing the
legal name-change now at the court, so I will now be ... Dale Marie! )
The rest of the week was uneventful, despite a few funny situations
with people I only pass in the hall occasionally who didn't get the
letter of know what was going on, like, "Dale, is that you?"
It's been hard to get here, and what a relief it is for it to finally
be over. I'm so thankful for the wonderful people I work with to be so
accepting of this, and the friends who've helped along the way. Just
have to work on my family now...but that's for another entry!
P.S. Some of the girls threw me a "Happy (New) Birthday!" party,
complete with a cake with a big '0' candle, as I'm now zero years old!
Here are my pics from October 3rd!
(the pics are outside of Harvard Medical School and inside my lab at
Brigham and Women's Hospital... and one of what I used to look like
when in the Navy!!)
http://photobucket.com/albums/b62/dale62676/
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09/21/05: Transgeneration
Did anyone else see Transgeneration on the Sundance Channel last night?
I know the first episode was available online, for those of you without Sundance or cable:
http://www.planetout.com/video/article.html?id=450&navpath=/video/sundance/
I liked that it followed 2 MTFs and 2 FTMs, each at a different school
and each with a different background. I liked most aspects of the show,
it definately highlights the struggles of trans on college campuses. I
look forward to the coming episodes to see how their respective
transitions go. In terms of the MTF student at UColorado-Boulder, it
seems incredible that her parents offered to pay for her SRS. Has
anyone else had this kind of support from their families?
Is anyone else here transitioning while in college?
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Currently Listening Charlie & The Chocolate Factory by Danny Elfman |
08/09/05: Completely Amazing!
I can’t believe what an amazing weekend that was. I am now completely fulltime when not at work, and its really now just hitting me how wonderful it feels. I’m letting go of the fear, I’m letting my self-consciousness over my looks and if I “pass” slowly pass as well. I’m getting by fairly well, considering just a month ago I was still so nervous and shy being seen out in public. Without a doubt, something that has helped me immensely has been performing. I love you Jamie! Up on stage, there’s no where to hide and everyone is looking at you, because they have to look at you, you’re performing! And I’m playing the drums, and drummers are hot, so I’m getting noticed even more.
Haha. But this past weekend I played two shows with Jamie, and wow, I can’t begin to describe what an exciting time this is for me. Do check out his website: http://www.sonicbids.com/jamietreadwell
Living the life of a rockstar, fuck yeah!
Then today (Monday) came. What a letdown, nothing is harder for me now to go back to boy-mode for work on Monday. I was so happy this weekend in my cute flowy, white skirt and cami top, with my new grown-out hair blowing in the wind. But this morning trying to find a way to look boy, its definately getting harder to do. My breasts are past A cup, just coming up on B cup, my hair is long, people have told me they have seen a difference in my face due to the hormones, its just too much to keep hidden for much longer. I’m thinking I will be going fulltime in September now, at the latest. Holy shit, I can’t believe it! Please
somebody pinch me to tell me this is really my life I’m living, and not the one I’ve wished for in lonlieness for the past 10 years.
I was showing Angel tonight my very early pics, they are very much
vomit-inducing, they are so bad. I told her I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or to cry. She noticed how sad I looked in many of them. You could see the fear and isolation on my face. And now, I have never been more supremely happy To anyone out there reading this now, who is where I was before in terms of transition, it can be done, you can be happy and find your place, it is not an unreachable goal!
To Angel, Jamie, Sarah, Lily and many others…thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me get to this point. I’m just getting started, the best is yet to come!
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Currently Listening Mr. Brightside, Pt. 1 by The Killers |
07/30/05: Next week is Camp Trans!
Here is an absolutely awesome webcomic about MichFest (MWMF) and Camp Trans made in 2001.
http://www.sheerchaos.org/comics/ct2001/index.htmlIf I ever have my own band, I'm going to call it "The Patriarchy". Either that or "Androgen". Or "Estradiol" Or "Alderaan Relief Society" Or ..... Yeah, I've come up with alot of band names, I should just be happy I'm performing at all right now, right! So, if you're in Boston Thursday night, come see me perform with Jamie Treadwell at the Zeitgest Gallery in Cambridge, 7pm, $5 at the door.
P.S. My weblinks don't seem to work. Does anyone know how to create a link here?Read More!
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Currently Reading Trans Liberation : Beyond Pink or Blue by Leslie Feinberg |
07/17/05: Awesome weekend...
It all started Thursday night, my first performance!
Ok, so not only after just 3 rehearsals learning 8 new songs, but only like my 3rd time totally out in public, our show was awesome! Wore a black spaghetti strap top and black Express pants, with hot eyeliner. My friends Angel and Sarah came (this being the first time Sarah saw me female) and they said it was awesome, both how I looked and played. I'm so friggin' excited! Nothing like getting out in public by performing for everyone to see. After we played, The Fun (a lez/FTM/riot grrl band) and Secret Cock performed. It was a LGBT night at this club/bar here in Boston, Allston actually, called Big City. And we have a CD release party/show in September!
For the rest of the weekend, it was nerve-wracking/amazing b/c I'm now fulltime when I'm not at work, so out and about in huge crowds and riding the T (subway) with all the stares. For so long, I was so self-conscious I feared those stares so much, it keep me in the closet for far too long. Just keep walking, ignoring the passing comments, and hoping no one bothers you. I'm definately really into finding people who are ok with me as a transgirl, and I've made lots of great supportive friends. Spent Saturday night on Boston Common for the outdoor public performance of Shakespeare's Hamlet, hundreds of other people there, sharing a blanket with Angel, and finally feeling like just another girl in the crowd (and showing off my fab painted toes). Awesome!
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Currently Listening Feminist Sweepstakes by Le Tigre |
07/12/05: I'm a Rock Star!
Yes! I got the gig!
I feel like I just won Tranny Idol haha
So I'm the new drummer for the up-and-coming Jamie Treadwell. He is a singer/songwriter who has the most amazing voice (all those years in boy's choirs), fabulously queer (all those years in boy's choirs), and rocks the keyboards. For now, its just me backing him on drumset, and even though we've only practiced like 2 times, MY FIRST GIG IS THURSDAY NIGHT!!
You know it, transgirl drummers are hot!
I'll post pics and a link to the music when I get them.
We'll be playing locally in Boston for the summer, and touring NYC in the fall. Groupies are highly encouraged
Dale
aka Rock Star!
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Currently Listening The Dresden Dolls by The Dresden Dolls |
07/06/05: my first night out!!!!!!!
So, last Friday I finally made it out the door. I went with my trans roommate Nicole, and my GG friend Angel, and wow, I can't believe I did it.
And no baby steps out either, the next night we went out to Jacques, the drag club here in Boston.
I posted the rest of the pics on my yahoo photo album.
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06/30/05: An Ode To Laser...
Laser technician,
zap my face.
The gooey gel goes on,
covering me in a paste.
'Don't worry,
we'll start low'
(she says)
and in a fury,
the red light and heat...
deliver its blow.
Ouch! like a finger snap,
or an elastic band flip.
Smarting and sore,
(she says)
'Just wait till we
do the upper lip!'
And so out I go,
ice packs in hand.
This is what it takes,
(I muse)
to get to the promised land!
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Currently Playing RollerCoaster Tycoon 2 by Atari |
